Check-Out Woman: Are you here all by yourself?
Kevin McCallister: Ma'am, I'm eight years old. You think I would be here *alone*? I don't think so.
Ford Fairlane: 1969 Fender Stratocaster, original pick-ups, maple neck, strung upside down for a left-handed motherfucking genius, Jimi Hendrix.
Vivian: Oh...Look honey, I have a runner in my pantyhose. Oops! I'm not wearing panty hose!
Woman at elevator: Shut your mouth, dear.
Vincent 'Vinnie' Antonelli: Arugula. I haven't had arugula in six weeks.
Supermarket Manager: What's that?
Vincent 'Vinnie' Antonelli: It's a vegetable.
The Judge: By the way, that's a shame about your face.
Hatchet-Face: There's nothing the matter with my face. I got character.
Grandpa Fred: They put me on at 3am. People who are awake at 3am aren't afraid of the Wolfman. The only thing that frightens those people is sobering up and going to work.
Pop: I'm from a small town called "Fresh Off a Cop's Ass", and you're making me homesick.
Molly Jensen: Carl, are you all right?
Carl Bruner: It's just my stomach! Do you have anything like Pepto Bismol or something like that?
Sam Wheat: Cyanide.
Casey Jones: This is great. First it was The Farm That Time Forgot and now this. Why don't I ever fall in with people who own condos? Probably hard to get good maid service in a sewer. Maybe you guys should try Roto Rooter, huh?
Earl Bassett: What kind of fuse is that?
Burt Gummer: Cannon fuse.
Earl Bassett: What the hell you use it for?
Burt Gummer: My cannon.
Sylvia: Edward is a wonderful person, but something keeps me from saying yes.
Vera Bennington: Would that something happen to be a tall architecht?
Officer Allen: We're looking for the man with the hands.
Gene Ryack: There'll be another, new war opening soon in a theater near you.
Louis: Rent-a-cops! I hate rent-a-cops too.
Patricia: My father says that almost the whole world is asleep. Everybody you know. Everybody you see. Everybody you talk to. He says that only a few people are awake and they live in a state of constant total amazement.
Martian Soldier: Sir, the Arcturans have destroyed the remainder of the fleet. I sent a distress signal to all ships across the galaxy, but we're headed straight into their sun, and our engines are about to explode.
Enforcer Drone: I have not yet begun to fight.
Martian Soldier: Now would be a great time to start.
Junior: Why does this guy love me? Why does any parent love any kid? Maybe it's one of those answers we'll never know, like how high is up? Why is the sky blue? And whatever happened to Mrs. Healy?
Tinker: I'll be in hell for breakfast.
Genie: Hey, Pop! Give me a five! Get down! Get back! Get real! Get a haircut.