David Ackerman: Do you think I like dragging around after you all day? I fucking hate it! And I hate the way you drive. And I hate your stinkin' whiskey breath.
Nick Pulovski: And I hate your uptight regulation-spouting boy scout horseshit. And I hate the little fucking creases in your pants. And I hate these fucking donuts. These fruitcake little ones, with the goddamn pinky shit! Nobody eats that shit.
Molly: ...you have no respect for women.
Joey: I guess dinner and a blow job's out of the question.
Molly: I guess.
Joey: We'll forget dinner.
Rosalie Boca: We didn't do it. I swear to God we didn't. We found him outside, on the lawn.
Devo Nod: ...Right outside.
Rosalie Boca: ...He was lying there, someone had shot him, and thrown him on the lawn.
Nadja: Yeah, it was a mess.
Rosalie Boca: ...It was terrible. So we brought him inside and we... we put him in bed... and... yep... It must have been the Mafia.
Lt. Larry Schooner: Mafia?
Devo Nod: The Mafia.
Nadja: Yeah. Joey was Italian.
Rosalie Boca: He is Italian.
Devo Nod: He is Italian.
Brian Hope: Look Charlie, some con men sell life insurance. The church sells afterlife insurance. It's brilliant! Everyone thinks you might need it, and no-one can prove you don't.
Charlie McManus: The church isn't selling anything, Brian.
Brian Hope: Oh! Well, if the church isn't selling anything how did it get to be so rich? Just remember, wherever there's a deep human need there's money to be made.
Charlie McManus: You think so?
Brian Hope: Of course, look at Kentucky Fried Chicken.
Tom: What are you doing here?
Traci: Doing where?
Kari: We're TPing your house, what are you? Stupid?
Bob the Turk: I warn you, do not make me do something that I would not do, unless someone made me do it because they didn't do something someone told them to do.
Gus Cardinale: Don't worry Bob, I would never do something to make someone do something to someone, because that someone didn't do something that someone wanted them to do.
Bob the Turk: I'm glad we understand each other.
Gus Cardinale: ...Me too.
Doctor James Atherton: In this first generation, the original male also produced a queen, and together they will construct a primary nest which the queen will guard. But eventually, she will create reproductive offspring of her own. And when that happens, this town is dead... and the next town... and the next town... and the next one, and so on.
Dr. Herbert West: He's a wife-beater, Dan! Use the gun.
George Jetson: Jane! Get me off this crazy thing.
Elliot Hopper: Cancel the 5.
Carol: Oh, no! You can't cancel the 5.
Elliot Hopper: Then put the 5 at 4, and then cancel at 4.
Huey Walker: You know, Buckner, if it hadn't've been for you, I'd be in a warm cell right now.
John Buckner: Yeah, being beaten by a nice, warm, rubber hose.
Greg Samson: Let me add that if I catch the kidnapper of my poor son, I'll offer him Christian forgiveness. Then I'll skin his honkers and use 'em for shammy cloths.
Mollie Ubriacco: See, Mikey, Mommy is a girl so she doesn't have a penis.
James Ubriacco: But she's got some set of balls.
Detective John Kimble: Just don't throw up on me.
Phoebe O'Hara: Nah, it's OK, I'm not gonna throw up on you. But I am gonna kiss you.
Napoleon Stone: You are dancing around with a cheeseburger.
Charlotte Flax: A word about Mrs. Flax and food: the word is "hors d'oeurves." Fun Finger Foods is her main source book and it's all the woman cooks.
Kathy: Hold me. Please hold me.
Emory Leeson: I am holding you.
Kathy: I know, but it's a woman thing. I have to say it.