Hoops McCann: Will you watch where you're going! We're heading for the docks.
George Calamari: We've gotta make the boat.
Hoops McCann: Boat? What boat?
George Calamari: What, did you think we were driving to Nantucket? Come on, it's an island.
Hoops McCann: You never mentioned any boats! I hate boats! I'm not getting on any boat.
George Calamari: I beg to differ.
Robbie Freeling: Dad, are we gonna have to move again?
Steve Freeling: I don't know Robbie. I'm gonna think about it.
Diane: Where could we go?
Carol Anne Freeling: Disneyland?
Robbie Freeling: Oh puke, don't be such an infant.
Diane: Shhh.
Carol Anne Freeling: Ok, what about Dunkin' Donuts?
Robbie Freeling: Shut up, jerko.
Bobby Shy: When a man pulls shit on me he is either very brave or very stoned. Which one are you?
Eddie Jillette: I know the secret to Heaven.
Joe Collins: Oh, yeah, what's that?
Eddie Jillette: A girl with freckles on her tits.
Quintesson judge: Before the Imperial Magistrate delivers his verdict, would you like to beg for your lives? It sometimes helps - but not often.
Dr. Curtis Franklin: Yelling at the back of a deaf person, very good James.
Alex Sternbergen: I gotta call Jackie, maybe he call help. He's smart, he knows the people that are in charge.
Turner Kendall: In charge of what?
Alex Sternbergen: Everything. The world.
Turner Kendall: He's a hair dresser.
Alex Sternbergen: That's what he does, that's not what he is.
Roberto: Not enough room to swing a cat... Cat. The animal.
High Priest: Who gave you the courage to be killed here?
Asian Hawk: I obey my god's every command. He looks after all my needs. I always say yes to him. Never no.
High Priest: Who is your god? What is your religion?
Asian Hawk: I believe in a powerful religion. The name of my god is... money.
High Priest: Prepare to be sacrified to your money god.
Ferdy: Look, I'm sorry if I made you angry, Linda.
Linda: It's not you, Ferdy. I'm just not used to be chased around a mall in the middle of the night by killer robots.
Marjorie: No talking to the animal.
Dr. Katherine McMichaels: If there is a statistical correlation between schizophrenia and the pineal gland, they may be feeling or seeing what we saw.
Buford 'Bubba' Brownlee: Well, what about the hard on I got? Is there a statistical correlation for that too?
Jim Halsey: Why are you doing this to me?
John Ryder: You're a smart kid... figure it out.
Carol: We'll take my car. It starts every time.
Reverend Aaron Gilstom: Demonic beasts. Whatever happened to the good old simple love song?"I love you." That's what good words use. Nowadays they have to write some sickness. It's just absoultely sick and bizarre, and I'm going to do my upmost best to try and stop it now."
Talk show host: Anything you'd like to add in conclusion?
Reverend Aaron Gilstom: These evil people have just got to be stopped.
Maggie Cavanaugh: Just remember, when you pull the trigger, the bullets come out going very, very fast. So make sure to keep the weapon pointing away from you. Now that's about it. You are now armed... guards. God help us all.