Jeff Winger: Have you learned nothing from your insipid Twilight books? Men are monsters who crave young flesh.
Cooperative Calligraphy - S2-E8
Shirley Bennett: Uh, Jeff, you don't have a bag?
Jeff Winger: Oh, I could never deprive the world of a portion of my chest the strap would cover.
Jeff Winger: Greendale may be a toilet, but it's our toilet, and nobody craps in it but us.
Messianic Myths and Ancient Peoples - S2-E5
Abed: I used to think all Jesus did was walk on water and tell people not to get abortions, but now I see he's so much more than that. He's like E.T., Edward Scissorhands, and Marty McFly combined.
Answer: His attempt to "kill" Jeff was to roll at him as an iPad on a stick. He knew it wouldn't work, but it played to the story that he was a killer as he knew Jeff would tell people about it, or attempt to retaliate for it.