Quotes from Seth MacFarlane movies and TV shows - page 4 of 5

Stewie Griffin: Look, I really don't want to go to hell, but I can't stop my nature. I'm just a hateful person.
Brian Griffin: You're not hateful you just need to control your anger. Like I do.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, you mean by being sauced all day! Wait a minute! Of Course! That's it! If I'm drunk I'll be calm and if I'm calm I'll be nice, and if I'm nice then I won't go to hell. Fix me a highball I'm going to get good and tight.

Diane Simmons: In other news, after several grueling days of frightening uncertainty, I finally get my period.
Tom Tucker: Well Diane, I'm sure you and your brother must be devastated by the loss of the two-headed offspring that might have been.

Peter Griffin: Another thing that grinds my gears is when I can't find the droids I'm looking for.
Stormtrooper: Yeah, me too. What gives with that?

Stewie Griffin: Ewwww, a band-aid.

Stewie Griffin: Let me tell you something Nessa, a bullet sounds the same in every language. So stick a fucking sock in it, you cow.

Horace: Hey, is he 18?
Brian Griffin: Horace, the drinking age is 21.
Horace: Oh.

Anna: You're a good sheep farmer!
Albert: Oh my god, please! I suck at sheep. Louise was right, I can't keep track of them. There was a sheep in the whorehouse the last week.
Anna: Really?
Albert: Yeah. Wandered in there, and then when I went to pick it up, somehow it had made 20 dollars.

George Stark: You're late!
Albert: For what?
George Stark: Fair enough.

Albert: I'm not the hero. I'm the guy in the crowd making fun of the hero's shirt; that's who I am.

Old Wounds - S1-E1

[A banana is reduced to a shrivelled husk.]
Ed Mercer: So...it's an anti-banana ray?
Kelly Grayson: It's really interesting.
Ed Mercer: We need no longer fear the banana.
Kelly Grayson: Does it work on all fruit?
Ed Mercer: What about salads?

Jon Sandys ★

Old Wounds - S1-E1

Admiral Halsey: We would have offered you a command earlier, but you haven't really inspired anyone with all that much confidence this past year.
Ed Mercer: I know. I ha... I've had some personal stuff that's been going on. It's not really worth getting into. Can I have one of these mints?
Admiral Halsey: Those are marbles.

Cubs Fan ★

Officer Alara Kitan: Captain, there's a message coming in from Admiral Halsey. It says that an executive officer has become available and can rendezvous with the Orville at station 794.
Captain Ed Mercer: That's great. That's barely out of our way. Who is it?
Officer Kitan: He wants me to forward it to you privately.
Captain Mercer: Alright, send it to my station. [Reads message.] No. No, no, no, no.
Lieutenant Gordon Malloy: What's the matter?
Captain Mercer: [Running out of room] No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Bishop73

John: You know, sometimes I think back to that Christmas morning when I was eight years old. I wish I had just gotten a Teddy Ruxpin.
Ted: Say that one more time.
John: TEDDY RUX-FUCKIN-PIN.

Ted: There. Proof. Garfield's eye look like a pair of tits.

Ted: Wow, look at you! Half Muslim and half American and you sold 37 million records!
Norah Jones: Actually, I'm half Indian half American, but thanks.
Ted: Thanks for 9/11!

Ted: I look like Snuggles' accountant.

Norah Jones: You did well for a guy with no dick.
Ted: Yeah, you have *no* idea how many angry letters I have written to Hasbro about that.

John: What is this?
Ted: It's called "Mind Rape", it's actually pretty mellow.
John: It doesn't sound very mellow.
Ted: Well he only had three other batches: "Gorilla Panic", "They're coming! They're coming!" and something called "This Is Permanent.". Go on, spark it up!

Frank: You think you got what it takes?
Ted: I'll tell you what I got. Your wife's pussy on my breath.
Frank: Nobody's ever spoken to me like that before.
Ted: That's because their mouths were full of your wife's box.
Frank: You're hired.
Ted: Shit.

Ted: Lori, hey, you're home early.
Lori: This place is a wreck! Who are these girls?
Ted: Y'know, they're hookers. So it's fine.
Lori: What the hell is this?
Ted: Oh, where are my manners? Lori, this is Angelique, Heavenly, Charene, and Sauvignon Blanc. I love you girls. Y'know, somewhere out there are four terrible fathers I wish I could thank for this great night!