Peter: Well, I'm gettin' something really special too. And by special I don't mean special like that Kleinaman boy down the street. More special like... Like Special K, the cereal. Hey, what do they do with the regular K? And for that matter, what ever happend to K. Ballard? You know, if you said mallard and you had a cold, it would sound like ballard.
Brian: Do you listen to yourself when you talk?
Peter: I drift in and out.
Quotes from Seth MacFarlane movies and TV shows - page 2 of 5
[Peter learns Joe is in a wheelchair.]
Peter: Holy crip, he's a crapple.
[Lois is washing Stewie in the sink.]
Stewie: Not so hard, woman! You're washing a baby's hair, not cleaning the vomit off your party dress, you holiday drunk!
Ship captain: I'm sorry, but I'm afraid I'm going to have to bar you from the aft section of the ship for the rest of the cruise.
Lois Griffin: Oh, we are so sorry. Peter, what the hell did you think you were doing?
Peter Griffin: Lois, it is called the "poop deck." That is why I pooped there.
Ship captain: You're disgusting!
Peter Griffin: And you're misleading.
Peter Griffin: You know something, Lois? I think Meg was right. Lowering yourself and women and somethin' and all that noise!
I Never Met the Dead Man - S1-E2
Lois: And your family gives you love. You should spend some time with our kids, Peter. And with me.
Peter: Well what could you and me do together?
Lois: [Giggles]
Peter: *gasp* Lois! You've got a sick mind!
Lois: Peter, I'm talking about making love.
Peter: Oooh, oh I thought you wanted us to murder the children and harvest their organs for beer money. (00:14:49)
Chitty Chitty Death Bang - S1-E3
Peter: I can not wait to taste this cake! The guy who sold it to me said it was delicious and erotic.
Lois: Peter, there's a naked man on this cake.
Peter: Well, there were only two left. And trust me, you did not want the one of Al Roker with the Hershey Kiss nipples. (00:20:20)
Tom Tucker: Due to an accident today at the Quahog Cable Company, all television transmissions will be out for an undetermined amount of time. Of course no one can see this news program, so it doesn't really matter what we say. I'm the Lord Jesus Christ. I think I'll go get drunk and beat up some midgets. How about you, Diane?
Diane Simmons: Well Tom, I just plain don't like black people.
[Both laugh.]
Cameraman: You guys, we're still on in Boston.
[Both stare in horror at the camera.].
Tom Tucker: I think I speak for all of us when I say that New York and everyone from there can fornicate themselves with an iron stick.
Lois: You should spend some time with our kids, Peter. And with me.
Peter: Uh, what could me and you do together?
[Lois giggles.]
Peter: Lois! You've got a sick mind.
Lois: Peter, I'm talking about making love.
Peter: Oh. I thought you wanted us to murder the children and harvest their organs for beer money.
Lois: So doctor, is Peter healthy?
Doctor: My goodness, you'll be dead within a month.
Peter: What?
Doctor: [revealing comic he was reading.] Oh, Hagar the Horrible, if you keep up that lifestyle of pillaging and eating giant turkey legs, you'll be dead within a month. Now, onto you.
Peter: So, what do you think? Pretty healthy, eh?
Doctor: Well, Mr. Griffin, let's take a look at your physical results. Argh! There's a spider in here. Now, here we go. Mr Griffin, you're going to expire in a month.
Peter/Lois: Argh!
Doctor: This is your driver's licence, isn't it? Now, unfortunately, I'm afraid you're going to die...
Peter: Argh!
Doctor: ...when you watch these Dean Martin Celebrity Roasts.
Lois: Will you just tell us how Peter's health is?!
Doctor: Ah, Mr. Griffin, I'm not quite sure how to say this. Kim Bassinger? Bass singer? Bassinger? But now, onto the cancer.
Lois: Oh my goodness!
Doctor: You are a Cancer, right? You were born in July? Now onto these test results. My, they're much worse than I thought.
Peter/Lois: Oh!
Doctor: My son got a D minus on his history test. Now Mr Griffin, that liver's got to come out.
Lois: What?!
Doctor: It's been in the microwave for three minutes, it'll get dry. Now...
Lois: Please, please, we can't take any more schtick. Please just tell us, is Peter healthy?
Doctor: Oh, yeah, he's fine, he's just really fat.
Waiter: Your coffee, madam.
Lois: I'll pour it. You know, my family really isn't comfortable with being waited on like this.
Stewie: Cut my eggs!
Waiter: Your eggs are now cut, sir.
Stewie: Cut my milk!
Waiter: I can't cut your milk, sir.
Stewie: Imbecile! Freeze it, then cut it. If you question me again, I'll put you on diaper detail, and I promise I won't make it easy for you.
Peter Griffin: Brian, there's a message in my Alpha Bits. It says 'OOOOOOOO'.
Brian Griffin: Peter, those are Cheerios.
Diane Simmons: Quite a situation we've got here Tom.
Tom Tucker: Quite a situation we've got here Tom indeed, Diane.
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