Blackadder: She's got the worst personality in Germany. And as you can imagine, that's up against some pretty stiff competition.
Quotes from Rowan Atkinson movies and TV shows - page 2 of 6
Blackadder: The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the devil's own satanic herd!
Percy: I must say Edmund, it was jolly nice of you to ask me to share your breakfast before the rigours of the day begin.
Blackadder: It is said, Percy, that civilized man seeks out good and intelligent company so that through learned discourse he may rise above the savage and closer to God.
Percy: [Delighted] Yes, I'd heard that.
Blackadder: Personally, however, I like to start the day with a total dickhead to remind me I'm best.
[George is preparing to paint Blackadder.]
Blackadder: Right, you ready?
George: Yes, if you just want to pop your clothes on the stool
Blackadder: I'm sorry?
George: Just pop your clothes on the stool over there
Blackadder: You mean... You want me... Tackle out?
George: Well, I'd have thought so yes
Blackadder: If I can remind you of the realities of battle George, one of the first things everyone notices is that all the protagonists keep their clothes ON. Neither we nor the Hun favout fighting our battles au naturel...
George: It's artistic licence sir... It's the willing suspension of disbelief
Blackadder: Well I'm not having anyone staring in disbelief at my willy suspension!
Blackadder: Baldrick, I would like to say how much I will miss your honest, friendly companionship.
Baldrick: Thank you Mr. B.
Blackadder: But, as we both know, it would be an utter lie. I will therefore confine myself to saying simply sod off, and if I ever meet you again, it will be twenty billion years too soon.
Blackadder: Percy, you are dismissed from my services.
Percy: Me? Why?
Blackadder: Because Percy, far from being a fit consort for a prince of the realm, you would bore the leggings off a village idiot. You ride a horse rather less well than another horse would. Your brain would make a grain of sand look large and ungainly. And the part of you that can't be mentioned, I am reliably informed by women around the court, wouldn't be worth mentioning even if it could be. If you put on a floppy hat and a furry cod-piece, you might just get by as a fool, but since you wouldn't know a joke if it got up and gave you a haircut, I doubt it. THAT is why you are dismissed.
Baldrick: My Uncle Baldrick was in a play once.
Blackadder: Really?
Baldrick: Yeah. It was called Macbeth.
Blackadder: And what did he play?
Baldrick: Second codpiece. Macbeth wore him in the fight scenes.
Blackadder: So, he was a stunt codpiece.
Baldrick: Yeah, that's right.
Blackadder: Did he have a large part?
Baldrick: Depends who was playing Macbeth.
Blackadder: So the plan is, when I call for my incredibly strong ale, you must pass me water in an ale bottle. Have you got that?
Baldrick: Yeah. When you call for ale, I pass water.
King Richard IV: Tonight, honoured friends, we are gathered to celebrate a great victory, and to mourn a great loss. A toast to our triumph! And I raise a royal curse upon the man who slew Richard, our noble king!
Ghost of King Richard: [stands, points to Edmund.] It was him!
Edmund: Oh my god!
King Richard IV: Quiet at the end there! Whoever it was...
Ghost of King Richard: It was him. Edna!
King Richard IV: Wherever he be...
Ghost of King Richard: He's down there at the end!
King Richard IV: He shall be struck down!
Ghost of King Richard: Well then, get on with it, you stupid oaf. He's there!
Blackadder: Right Baldrick, let's try again. This is called adding. If I have two beans and then I add two more beans, what do I have?
Baldrick: Some beans.
Blackadder: Yes...and no. Let's try again, shall we? I have two beans, then I add to more beans what does that make?
Baldrick: A very small casserole.
Blackadder: Baldrick, the ape creature of the Indus have mastered this. Now, try again. One, two, three, four! So how many are there?
Baldrick: Three
Blackadder: What.
Baldrick: [Pointing to one.] And that one.
Blackadder: [Picking it up.] Three and that one. So if I add that one to the three what will I have?
Baldrick: Ah! Some beans.
Blackadder: Yes. To you Baldrick, the rennaissance was just something that happened to other people, wasn't it?
Blackadder: You see, Baldrick, in order to prevent war in Europe, two superblocs developed: us, the French and the Russians on one side, and the Germans and Austro-Hungary on the other. The idea was to have two vast opposing armies, each acting as the other's deterrent. That way there could never be a war.
Baldrick: But - this is a sort of a war, isn't it sir?
Blackadder: Yes that's right, you see there was a tiny flaw in the plan.
George: What was that sir?
Blackadder: It was bollocks.
Blackadder: It is strangely keeping in the manner of our courtship that your maid of honour should be a man.
Baldrick: Thank you very much, my lord.
Blackadder: I use the word 'man' in the broadest possible sense. For as we all know, God created man in his own image, and it would be a sad look out for Christians throughout the globe if God looked anything like you, Baldrick.
Blackadder: A war hasn't been fought this badly since Olaf the Hairy, High Chief of all the Vikings, accidently ordered 80,000 battle helmets with the horns on the inside.
Baldrick: I have a plan, sir.
Blackadder: Really, Baldrick, a cunning and subtle one?
Baldrick: Yes, sir.
Blackadder: As cunning as a fox who's just been appointed Professor of Cunning at Oxford University?
Blackadder: He's about as effective as a cat flap in an elephant house.
Blackadder: Good day, cousin McAdder. I trust you are well.
McAdder: Aye, well enough.
Blackadder: And Morag?
McAdder: She bides fine.
Blackadder: And how stands that mighty army, the clan McAdder?
McAdder: They're both well.
Plan E: General Hospital - S4-E5
Nurse Mary: Ah, Captain Blackadder. I hope you're going to conduct yourself with a little more decorum this time.
Blackadder: No, I'm going to conduct myself with no decorum. Shove off.
Hag: Two things, my lord, must thee know of the Wise Woman. First, she is...a woman, and second, she is...
Edmund: Wise?
Hag: Oh! You know her then?
Edmund: No, just a wild stab in the dark, which, is incidentally what you'll be getting if you don't start being a bit more helpful. Do you know where she lives?
[Melchett offers an idea to relieve his and Blackadder's boredom.]
Lord Melchett: Well, perhaps some pleasant word game?
Blackadder: Yes, all right. Make a sentence out of the following words: face, sodding, your, shut.
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