Quotes from Matthew Perry movies and TV shows

Alex Whitman: Where are you going?
Isabel Fuentes: You're not my favorite person right now.
Alex Whitman: Yeah, well, you either.

Donna, Construction Secretary: Hey Alex, there's a woman on line 1. She says she's your wife.
Jeff: Hey Donna, the only wife around here is my ex and I am not in.
Alex Whitman: Ask if I can call her back. Oh, and get her phone number.

Alex Whitman: Wait a minute! You snuck out on me, and I never heard from you again. And now you just show up, tell me you're pregnant, and I'm supposed to know exactly what to do? Well, I'm sorry, but I don't know, exactly, what to do.
Isabel Fuentes: That's the first good thing you've said all night.

Alex Whitman: Isabel, don't jump.
Isabel Fuentes: I'm not going to kill myself, stupid. But if you come any closer, I'll throw your ass over.

Alex Whitman: They're great. I had no idea that families talked at dinner.

Isabel Fuentes: Alex, this is Chuy.
Alex Whitman: Chuy, hi. I'm Luke Skywalker.

Dam Policeman Delivering Baby: These contractions are right on top of each other.
Alex Whitman: Did you hear that? He said these contractions are right on top of each ot her.
Isabel Fuentes: I'm not deaf - I'm in labor.

Alex Whitman: How've you been?
Isabel Fuentes: Pregnant.

Isabel Fuentes: It was a sign, Alex.
Alex Whitman: Of what?
Isabel Fuentes: That the baby would be Catholic.
Alex Whitman: Oh, well, then it's a good thing you weren't stopped in front of an ihop.

Kathy: So, what did you do today?
Chandler: Well, I had an appointment to get my hair cut...
Kathy: Oh, it looks great!
Chandler: ...and then it got cancelled.

The One With Ross's Teeth - S6-E8

Monica: What happened to your teeth?
Ross: I whitened them.
Chandler: Really?
Ross: Yeah, what... What do you think?
Monica: Well, uh, I think I shouldn't look directly at them.
Ross: Come on, seriously.
Monica: Ross, they're really, really, really white!
Chandler: Yeah, what was wrong with your old... Human teeth?
Ross: Well, I did leave the gel on a little longer than it said to.
Monica: How much longer?
Ross: Uh, uh... A day.
Monica: Ross, you know that tonight is your date with Hillary?
Ross: I know! That's why I did it! Come on, are they really that bad?
Chandler: No. No, no, no, you'll be fine. Hilary's blind, right?
Monica: She will be after tonight.

The One With Frank Jr. - S3-E5

[After Joey's just drilled through a wall very close to Chandler's head, Chandler runs into the living room.]
Joey: Oh, did I get you?
Chandler: No, you didn't get me! It's an electric drill! You get me, you kill me!

The One With The 'Cuffs - S4-E3

Joanna: What are you doing?
Chandler: I'm getting dressed.
Joanna: Why?
Chandler: Because when I go outside naked, people throw garbage at me.

The One With The Girl From Poughkeepsie - S4-E10

Rachel: No accountants. Oh, and no one from, like, "legal." I don't like guys with boring jobs.
Chandler: Oh, and Ross was like what, a lion tamer?

Chandler: Sometimes I wish I was a lesbian.
[Everyone stares at him.]
Chandler: Did I just say that out loud?

The One Where Old Yeller Dies - S2-E20

Monica: All right, I've got a leg,3 breasts and a wing.
Chandler: How do you find clothes that fit?

The One Where the Monkey Gets Away - S1-E19

Chandler: She obviously got my message. And is choosing not to call me. Now I'm needy and snubbed. God, I miss just being needy.

Rachel: You idiot!
Chandler: I'm sure you're right, but why?

Chandler: If I were a guy, and...did I just say IF I were a guy?

Joey: You don't know what it's like to put yourself out there like that and just get shot down.
Chandler: I don't know what that's like? Up until I was 25, I thought the only response to "I love you" was "Oh, crap."