Quotes from Leslie Nielsen movies and TV shows

Ted Striker: Surely you can't be serious.
Rumack: I am serious, and don't call me Shirley.

[Randy is crying.]
Dr. Rumack: Randy, are you all right?
Randy: Oh, Dr. Rumack, I'm scared. I've never been so scared. And besides, I'm twenty-six and I'm not married.
Dr. Rumack: We're going to make it, you've got to believe that.
Mrs. Hammen: Dr. Rumack, do you have any idea when we'll be landing?
Dr. Rumack: Pretty soon. How are you holding up?
Mrs. Hammen: Well, to be honest, I've never been so scared. But, at least I have a husband.
[Randy cries even harder.].

Rumack: Captain, how soon can you land?
Captain Oveur: I can't tell.
Rumack: You can tell me. I'm a doctor.
Captain Oveur: No. I mean I'm just not sure.
Rumack: Well, can't you take a guess?
Captain Oveur: Well, not for another two hours.
Rumack: You can't take a guess for another two hours?

Rumack: What was it we had for dinner tonight?
Elaine Dickinson: Well, we had a choice of steak or fish.
Rumack: Yes, yes, I remember, I had lasagna.

Dr. Rumack: You'd better tell the captain we've got to land as soon as we can. This woman has to be gotten to a hospital.
Elaine: A hospital? What is it?
Dr. Rumack: It's a big building with patients, but that's not important right now.

Ted Striker: Surely there must be something we can do about it.
Dr. Rumack: There is something we can do about it. And please, stop calling me Shirley.

Rumack: Elaine, you're a member of this crew. Can you face some unpleasant facts?
Elaine Dickinson: No.

Rumack: The life of everyone on board depends upon just one thing: finding someone back there who can not only fly this plane, but who didn't have fish for dinner.

Dr. Rumack: I just want to tell you both good luck. We're all counting on you.

Richard Vickers: It's Showtime.

Richard Vickers: I'll shoot you dead.
Harry: You can't shoot us dead, Richard.
Becky: ...because we're already dead.
Harry: We want to see you, Richard. We dug a hole for you, Richard.
Becky: ...on the beach.

Commander Adams: Nice climate you have here. High oxygen content.
Robby the Robot: I seldom use it myself, sir. It promotes rust.

Commissioner Brumford: [On phone.] Hello? He did what? How many animals escaped? Oh, my god.
Frank: Hello, Commissioner. You're looking lovely this evening.
Commissioner Brumford: Do you realize that because of you this city is being overrun by baboons?
Frank: Well, isn't that the fault of the voters?

Frank: That's the red-light district. I wonder why Savage is hanging around down there.
Ed: Sex, Frank?
Frank: Uh, no, not right now, Ed. We've got work to do.

Lt. Frank Drebin: Now, Jane, what can you tell us about the man you saw last night?
Jane Spencer: He's Caucasian.
Ed Hocken: Caucasian?
Jane Spencer: Yeah, you know, a white guy. A moustache. About six-foot-three.
Lt. Frank Drebin: Awfully big moustache.

Terence Baggett: What's that smell?
Lt. Frank Drebin: Oh, that would be me. I've been swimming in raw sewage. I love it!

Lt. Frank Drebin: I'm single! I love being single! I haven't had this much sex since I was a Boy Scout leader!
[Music stops playing. Everyone stops talking and stares at him.]
Lt. Frank Drebin: I mean at the time I was dating a lot.

Lt. Frank Drebin: Looks like the cows have come home to roost.

Lt. Frank Drebin: This is Frank Drebin, Police Squad. Throw down your guns, and come on out with your hands up. Or come on out, then throw down your guns, whichever way you wanna do it. Just remember the two key elements here: one, guns to be thrown down; two, come on out!

Frank: The truth hurts doesn't it, Hapsburg? Oh, sure maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with the seat missing, but it hurts.