Quotes from Jim Carrey movies and TV shows

Ace Ventura: Aaalll righty then.

Lois Einhorn: Listen, pet dick. How would you like me to make your life a living hell?
Ace Ventura: Well, I'm not really ready for a relationship, Lois, but thank you for asking. Hey, maybe I'll give you a call sometime. Your number's still 911? All righty then.

Melissa: You really love animals, don't you?
Ace Ventura: If it gets cold enough.

Ace Ventura: If I'm not back in five minutes...just wait longer.

Aguado: Hey. Hey, Ventura. Make any good collars, lately?
Cop: Or were they leashes?
[Everyone laughs at Ace. Ace laughs and turns around.]
Aguado: Uh-oh!
[Aguado sees a bug scampering across the floor and steps on it.]
Aguado: Homicide, Ventura. Now how you gonna solve that one?
Ace: That's a good question, Aguado. First I'd establish a motive. In this case, the killer saw the size of the bug's dick, and became insanely jealous. Then I'd lose thirty pounds, porking his wife.

Mr. Shickadance: Venturaaahhh!
Ace Ventura: Yes, Satan? [Turns around.] Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.

Ace Ventura: I'm looking for Ray Finkle...
[A shotgun cocks and is pointed at his head.]
Ace Ventura: ...and a clean pair of shorts.

Lois Einhorn: Ventura, when I get out of that bathroom, you'd better be gone!
Ace Ventura: Is it number one or number two? I just want to know how much time I have.

Sexy Woman: Thank you, Mr. Ventura. How can I ever repay you?
Ace: Well, a reward would be good. There was some damage to my car. It's a high performance machine, so I had to fill it with premium.
[The woman interrupts Ace by kissing him.]
Sexy Woman: Would you like for me to take your pants off instead?
Ace: Gee, let me think. Um, sure.

Ace Ventura: That's why Roger Podacter is dead! He found Captain Winky!

Ace Ventura: Excuse me, I'd like to ass you a few questions.
Emilio Emilio: This is not the time Ace, if Einhorn came down here and saw me talking to you, or your ass, I'll be history.

Ace Ventura: Wow. Ray Finkle's house. I can't wait to meet him.
Mr. Finkle: Ray ain't coming home.
Ace Ventura: But your wife said you expect him home any minute.
Mr. Finkle: She expects him home any minute. See the engine's running, but, uh, there's nobody behind the wheel. I mean, eight years ago, our son escaped from Shady Acres Mental in Tampa. And they're still bugging us to pick up his stuff.
Mrs. Finkle: It was all that Dan Marino's fault. Everybody knows that. If he had held the ball laces out like he was supposed to Ray never would have missed that kick. Dan Marino should die of gonorrhea and rot in hell.

Ace: I never take my work home with me.
Mr. Shickadance: Oh yeah, then what's all this pet food for?
Ace: Fibre?

Ronald Camp: I'm terribly sorry, Mr. Ace! I'll have the plumbing checked immediately!
Ace Ventura: Be sure that you do. If I'd been drinking out of the toilet, I might've been killed.

[Ace looks at the dog owner in his mirror as he's smashing the car with the baseball bat.]
Ace Ventura: Warning, assholes are grosser than they appear!

Lois Einhorn: What the hell is he doing here?
Ace Ventura: I came to confess. I was the second gunman on the grassy knoll.

Ace: Tell them what I'm saying. [To Wachootoo tribe] I come in peace.
Ouda: White devil say, "I will harm you."
Ace: I couldn't help but notice that Eqinsu Ocha part. Did you just refer to me as White Devil?
Ouda: This how they know you.
Ace: Leave that part out from now on. [To tribe] I represent the princess.
Ouda: I am a princess.
Ace: War is hell. The last thing we want is a fight.
Ouda: I want to fight. So go to Hell.

Wachootoo Chief: Eqinsu Ocha!
Ace: What does Eqinsu Ocha mean?
Ouda: White devil.
Ace: Well, tell them I'm not.
Ouda: I only met you. How do I know?
Wachootoo Chief: [to tribe] Eqinsu Ocha! Eqinsu Ocha!
Ouda: He said...
Ace: Let me guess. White devil, white devil?
Ouda: Yes. You speak Wachootoo?

Ace: Excuse me. Your balls are showing. Bumble Bee Tuna.

Fulton Greenwall: Perhaps we should slow down just a teensy-weensy bit?
Ace: Nonsense, poopy pants!