Quotes from Billy Crystal movies and TV shows - page 2 of 3

Dale Putley: Jack, look at this.
Jack Lawrence: It's money. I remember it from when I was single.

Dale Putley: I'm an actor. A writer at large. I produce plays, things from my soul. But it's avant-garde, very experimental.
Jack Lawrence: You mean with guinea pigs?

Dale Putley: $5,000 in cash. What is he doing with $5,000 in cash?
Jack Lawrence: He stole it.
Dale Putley: Why do you always jump to the worst possible conclusion?
Jack Lawrence: Okay, he won it in a hair-whirl contest.

Scott: Why are you doing this?
Jack Lawrence: We're your fathers.

Scott: I stole that money.
Jack Lawrence: Okay.
Scott: From drug dealers.
Dale Putley: ARE you nuts?
Jack Lawrence: Hey calm down! Take it easy! Scott just give it back to them.
Scott: I spent it.
Jack Lawrence: You spent IT? he spent money from drug dealers.
Dale Putley: Calm down, take it easy. Scott, you can't run from these guys. They'll find you. They'll come to your house, take all your money and then beat the shit out of you. Happened to me a few times.

Jack Lawrence: You know what? Take my car.
Dale Putley: You're giving me your car, Jack? That's so Elvis of you.
Jack Lawrence: Not to keep. To take the airport. I'll have one of my interns pick it up in the morning.
Dale Putley: You want me driving your car?
Jack Lawrence: It's just a thing. It's a priceless, irreplaceable thing.

Dale Putley: Come on Jack.
Jack Lawrence: Whoa, where are you going?
Dale Putley: Kick some ass.

Mike Wazowski: You don't think I'm scary.
Sulley: You're not even in the same league with me.

Mike Wazowski: I've been waiting for this my whole life! I'm gonna be a scarer!

Artie Decker: I'm awkward around those kids. I don't think they like me.

Artie Decker: I'm not going!
Diane Decker: You're going!
Artie Decker: That's what I meant.

Artie Decker: OK, hop out.
Barker Simmons: I'm still buckled in.
Artie Decker: Oh, boy. This is harder than one of your grandma's bras.
Barker Simmons: It's not rocket science.

Mr. Cheng: Just Pan Asian!
Artie Decker: What's that?
Mr. Cheng: No MSG, No gluten, No sodium, just healthy food!
Artie Decker: I'm drooling already! [Others start walking away.] How do you ruin Chinese food?

Miracle Max: Get back, witch.
Valerie: I'm not a witch, I'm your wife. But after what you just said, I'm not even sure I want to be that anymore.
Miracle Max: You never had it so good.

Inigo Montoya: Are you the Miracle Max who worked for the King all those years?
Miracle Max: The king's stinking son fired me. Thank you for bringing up such a painful subject. While you're at it, why don't you give me a nice paper cut and pour lemon juice on it?

Momma: Who the hell are you?
Larry: I'm Owen's friend.
Momma: Owen doesn't have a friend.
Larry: That's because he's shy.
Momma: No he's not. He's fat and he's stupid.

Momma: Get out of my way, you black bastard.
Larry: What?

Owen: Larry! I can't breathe.
Larry: Yes! That's because I'm choking you.

Larry: One little murder and I'm Jack the Ripper.

Owen: She didn't feel a thing, Professor Donner. I know how important that is to you not to have her feel a thing.
Larry: Who?
Owen: Your wife. She had a little trouble walking, but that was from the gardener.
Larry: You saw my wife?
Owen: She was kind of a tart, Larry. Although I can see why you married her. She was very beautiful.