Quotes from Billy Crystal movies and TV shows

Dr. Ben Sobel: I am grieving. It's a process.

Agent Miller: Dr. Sobel, have you been receiving calls from mobster Paul Vitti?
Dr. Ben Sobel: Why would you say I received a call from Paul Vitti?
Agent Miller: Because we record all his calls from Sing Sing.
Dr. Ben Sobel: Then yes, I did.

Dr. Ben Sobel: I thought you were in prison?
Jelly: It would appear not.
Dr. Ben Sobel: Well, well, how'd you get out?
Jelly: I had a new trial. It turns out that the evidence in the first trial was, uh, you know, tainted.
Dr. Ben Sobel: Oh, I see.
Jelly: Anyway, two of the witnesses decided not to testify, uh, and the third guy, well, he commited suicide.
Dr. Ben Sobel: Oh? How?
Jelly: He stabbed himself in the back four times and threw himself off a bridge... very unfortunate.

Dr. Ben Sobel: I thought you might appreciate a nice home-cooked meal after being in prison for so long.
Paul Vitti: Yeah, that's what I've been jerking off to for the last 850 nights in a row, a fuckin' home-cooked meal. "Oh, tuna casserole!"

Dr. Ben Sobel: We don't think it's necessary to wake the neighbors every time we have sex.
Paul Vitti: If you're quiet, you could do it without even waking your wife.

Dr. Ben Sobel: I was at a funeral.
Paul Vitti: What's that got to do with someone trying to kill me in jail? You're my Doctor.
Dr. Ben Sobel: My father died.
Paul Vitti: So. With you it is always me, me, me, me, me, me. He's dead. So get over it.

Ben Sobel: My name is Ben Sobel...leone. Ben Sobelleone. I'm also known as Benny the Groin, Sammy the Schnauz, Elmer the Fudd, Tubby the Tuba, and once... Once as Miss Phyllis Levine.

Paul Vitti: You know me?
Ben Sobel: Yes.
Paul Vitti: No, you don't.
Ben Sobel: Okay.
Paul Vitti: You see my picture in the paper?
Ben Sobel: Yes.
Paul Vitti: No, you didn't.
Ben Sobel: I don't even get the paper.

Paul Vitti: If I talk to you, and you turn me into a fag, I'm gonna kill you, you understand?
Ben Sobel: Well, let's define "fag", because sometimes, emotions can come up that...
Paul Vitti: I go fag, you die. Get it?

Ed Furillo: What if you don't encourage them, and they still come after you?
Mitch Robbins: It doesn't happen. See, women need a reason to have sex, men just need a place.
Bonnie Rayburn: Good night! I'm going to bed.
Mitch Robbins: Good night! Sleep tight.
Ed Furillo: That was flirting.
Mitch Robbins: No, that was... Politeness. That was "have a pleasant and restful evening."
Ed Furillo: No, that was "I like your ass. Can I wear it as a hat?"

Mitch Robbins: Hey you know, the first time I tried to talk to you, you embarrassed me. So I teased you a little bit which maybe I shouldn't have done, so I'm sorry. And now you're sitting over there playing with your knife, trying to frighten me - which you're doing a good job. But if you're gonna kill me, get on with it; if not, shut the hell up - I'm on vacation.

Mitch Robbins: Those cows trusted us.
Ed Furillo: Trusted us? They followed us because we yelled, 'Yah'. They're cattle.

Bonnie Rayburn: That's really wonderful. You got him to drink from the bottle.
Mitch Robbins: Yeah, thank God, 'cause my nipples were killing me.

Mitch Robbins: Hi Curly. Killed anyone today?
Curly: The day ain't over yet.

Mitch Robbins: If you're watching what you're recording, then it has to be on 3.
Phil Berquist: What... The TV or... Or the machine?
Mitch Robbins: The TV.
Phil Berquist: You're saying I can record something I'm not even watching?
Mitch Robbins: Yes, that's the point. You don't even need a TV to record.
Phil Berquist: How would I see it?
Mitch Robbins: Well to see it you need a TV.
Ed Furillo: Shut up! Just shut up! He doesn't get it! He'll never get it! It's been 4 hours! The cows can tape something by now! Forget about it please!
Phil Berquist: How do you do the clock?
Ed Furillo: You're dead. You are dead.

Jack Lawrence: What do you do for a living?
Dale Putley: Uh, I teach English as a third language at the Jewish Community Center.

Jack Lawrence: He was lying to me, but he made me feel good.
Carrie Lawrence: What do you mean he lied to you?
Jack Lawrence: Lied right to my face. Big-time lie.
Carrie Lawrence: How do you know?
Jack Lawrence: I'm a lawyer. People lie to me all the time.

Rose: Where do you like to stay?
Jack Lawrence: My house, but it's in Los Angeles.

Jack Lawrence: You're a tragic hero. You're Lou Gehrig.
Dale Putley: Who?
Jack Lawrence: Lou Gehrig. Everybody knows Lou Gehrig. The baseball player. He died of Lou Gehrig's Disease.
Dale Putley: Wow, what are the odds on that?

Nikki: Well, Scotty, you're boring. I liked you for a while, but now I can't stand looking at you. Even your voice makes me sick.
Dale Putley: That was lovely.
Jack Lawrence: Yes, Hallmark is waiting for you.