Maxine: Here's the thing: If you ever get me, you wouldn't have a clue what to do with me.
Craig Schwartz (in John Malkovich): There is truth, and there are lies, and art always tells the truth. Even when it's lying.
Maxine: Craig, I don't find you attractive, but Lotte, I'm smitten with you. I am... but only when you're in Malkovich. When I was with him last night, I was looking into his eyes and could sense your feminine longing.
Dr. Lester: I've been very lonely in my isolated tower of indecipherable speech.
Lotte Schwartz: We love her, Craig.
Craig Schwartz: We?
Lotte Schwartz: John and me.
Craig Schwartz: Don't forget about me.
Lotte Schwartz: Well you have a Maxine action figure to play with.
First J.M. Inc. Customer: Now when you say that I can be somebody else, whaddya mean exactly?
Craig Schwartz: Well, we mean exactly that. We can put you inside someone else's body, for fifteen minutes.
First J.M. Inc. Customer: Can I be anybody that I wanna be?
Craig Schwartz: Well, you... actually.
Maxine: You can be John Malkovich.
First J.M. Inc. Customer: Perfect! It's... my... second choice, but it's wonderful. I'm a fat man. I'm sad and I.
Maxine: Two hundred dollars.
Dr. Lester: Floris, get Guinness on the phone.
Floris: Right away, Dr. Lester. Genghis Khan Capone.
Lotte Schwartz: I think it's kinda sexy that John Malkovich has a portal, y'know, sort of like, it's like, like he has a vagina. It's sort of vaginal, y'know, like he has a, he has a penis and a vagina. I mean, it's sort of like... Malkovich's... feminine side. I like that.
Dr. Lester: Don't toy with Floris, Schwartz.
Craig Schwartz: Oh, no.
Dr. Lester: If I was 80 years younger, I'd box your ears.
Craig Schwartz: I wasn't toying with her sir, I wouldn't - pardon me, how old are you, sir?
Dr. Lester: 105. Carrot juice, lots of it. I swear, sometimes it's not worth it. I piss orange. I have to piss sitting down like a goddamn girlie-girl every fifteen minutes.
Maxine: Meet you in Malkovich in one hour.
Craig Schwartz: You don't know how lucky you are being a monkey. Because consciousness is a terrible curse. I think. I feel. I suffer. And all I ask in return is the opportunity to do my work. And they won't allow it... because I raise issues.
John Malkovich: The weird thing is, this Maxine likes to call me "Lotte."
Charlie: Ouch. That is hot. Maybe she's using you to channel some dead lesbian lover. Sounds like my kind of gal. Let me know when you're done with her, yeah?
John Malkovich: What are you talking about, "Done with her", man? Tonight really freaked me out.
Charlie: Hot lesbian witches! It's fucking genius.
John Malkovich: Ma-Sheen.
Charlie: Malcatraz.
Craig Schwartz: Nobody's looking for a puppeteer in today's wintry economic climate.
Charlie: You're nuts to let a girl go that calls you Lotte, I tell you that as a friend.
Craig Schwartz: I was thinking about what you were saying the other day, about the orientation film being bullshit.
Maxine: Yes?
Craig Schwartz: I think maybe you're on to something.
Maxine: And fifty other lines to get into a girl's pants.
Dr. Lester: My spunk is to you manna from heaven.
John Malkovich: I have seen a world that no man should see.
Craig Schwartz: Really? Because for most people it's a rather enjoyable experience.
Dr. Lester: Any questions?
Craig Schwartz: Just one. Why are these ceilings so low?
Dr. Lester: Low overhead, my boy - we pass the savings on to you! But seriously, that'll all be covered in the orientation.
