Jay: In this world gone mad, we will not spank the monkey, the monkey will spank us!
Shanté Smith: Hmm, men. They like a woman in public...and a freak in private.
Brigadier Gen. Russell Woodman: No need to play the blame game here, Allison. No harm, no foul. Suffice it to say that we're all very appreciative of the discovery made by Dr. Kane and Mr. Black.
Harry Block: Block.
Charisse Slocumb: Bernice Talbot? My-my husband done did it wit' that child in that "Shop-Well" parking lot? lord take ME NOW.
Trucky: You can't beat a ho with a belt... they like that shit.
Oz: All right, here's a new idea for you, Stifler, okay? You find a girl. You two become best friends. And you don't bother counting how many times you have sex with each other. You just laugh at the people that do count.
Stifler: Here's a new idea for you. I'll get you a spoon so you can eat my ass.
Joe Dirt: So, you're gonna tell me, that you don't have no black cats, no Roman candles, or screamin' mimis?
Kicking Wing: No.
Joe Dirt: Oh come on man. You don't got no lady fingers, buzz bottles, snicker bombs, church burners, finger blasters, gut busters, zip-a-dee-do-dahs, crap flappers?
Kicking Wing: No, I don't.
Joe Dirt: You're gonna stand there, owning a firework stand, and tell me you don't have no whistling bungholes, no spleen splitters, whisker biscuits, honker lighters, huskers dus, husker don'ts, cherry bombs, nipsy dazers, with or without the scooter stick, or one single whisking kitty chaser?
William: Father, I am afraid, I won't know the way back home.
John Thatcher: Don't be foolish, William, you just follow your feet.
Team Evil Coach Hung: Those American drugs work better than expected.
Murphy: Ever been to Reno? Get your bubble gum.
Henry Denton: Who is it?
Lottie: Oh, I'm ever so sorry, sir.
Henry Denton: Sorry for what?
Lottie: I'm supposed to get the fire lit without waking you.
Henry Denton: Why does everyone treat me as if I were one of these stupid snobs? I spent half the week downstairs with all of you.
Lottie: You can't be on both teams at once, sir.
Carmen Cortez: Spy work, that's easy. Keeping a family together, that's difficult. And that's the mission worth fighting for.
Matt: Would you like a falafel with that?
Prof. Dad Brody: Who do you think kidnapped us, Uraguay or Chad?
Jamal: Courage is not the absence of fear. It is the presence of fear, but the will to move on.
Offscreen voice: THAT'S A huge bitch.
Priscilla: You put the "suck" in "liposuction" You put the "ooo" in "jiu-jitsu" You put the "ism" in "This is all just a defense mechanism."
Leroy: Kevlar is for pussies.
Nelson Moss: Have you ever heard of Phalaenopsis Sunderiana? It reminded me of you.
Sara: You got the job, didn't you?
Nelson Moss: Best offer anyone ever made me.
Sara: So when do you start?
Nelson Moss: We had a little problem agreeing on that. He suggested immediately, I suggested... never.
Sara: Never?
Nelson Moss: Never.