Nick Chen: Beef intestine noodle?
Danny Wallace: Uh, no.
Nick Chen: You wanna be Chinese, you gotta eat the gross stuff.
Cole Sear: They see only what they want to see.
Theo: You feel cut off from the world, but the world has missed you. Happy tossing and turning.
Richard Twat: As we always say at the Guest House Paradiso: Have fun, don't go in the water if you know what's good for you and try not to get shit on the sheets.
Melissa Marr: Now, that's enter-fucking-tainment.
Pnub: Don't you watch the news?
Anton: I hate that fucking show.
Miles Logan: Hey, this is the police. Move your busted-ass vehicle. Move, move, move, move. This is the LAPD. We'll pop one in your ass. We got guns and shit.
Dino Velvet: If there was no honor among perverts and pornographers, the whole fucking business would fall apart.
Detective McBain: I think I made the age-old mistake: Never trust a beautiful woman.
Theo Calder: I'm Dr. Calder. You've been charged with one count of murder and found incompetent to stand trial.
Pete: She had a demon in her for a while. My neighbour, Mrs. Karsh.
Theo Calder: Mm-hmm.
Pete: It would come and go. Nobody saw it... except me.
Theo Calder: What did it look like, the demon?
Pete: Um... Did you ever see "Alien" with Sigourney Weaver?
Theo Calder: It looked like a giant insect?
Pete: No. It looked like Sigourney Weaver.
Ted: What happens if someone comes up here and really wants to ski?
Allegra: Come on Pikul. No one actually "skis" anymore, you know that.
Detective Jojima: My father was a small-village cop in a town where nothing ever happened. He just hung around like a scarecrow, until he died. But like they say - even a scarecrow keeps away the sparrows.
Vinny: You fuckin' make me sick, you fuckin' slut.
Dionna: I am a slut? You're calling me a slut? You lowlife piece of fuckin' shit - you fucked - my - cousin! You didn't think I knew about that! I smelled her pussy juice all over your fuckin' face! You fuckin' sick bastard! How dare you? And all this time I'm thinking there's something wrong with me! You perverted sick fuck.
Kathryn: So I assume you've come here to make arrangements, but unfortunately, I don't fuck losers.
Leigh Ann Watson: It's completely factual, she was burned at the stake.
Mrs. Tingle: Always the victim, aren't we, Ms. Watson?
Leigh Ann Watson: Well there are certain similarities between society today and seventeenth century Salem. I guess that would be the irony of it all.
Mrs. Tingle: Irony is the opposite of what is or might be expected. For example, if Ms. Watson was expecting an A on her history project, she might find the actual result to be rather ironic.
Lissa: I've built up a certain tolerance for your fuck-ups.
Heather Donahue: What killed this dead mouse? Witchcraft?
Joshua Leonard: How about God?