Michael Woods: You wouldn't happen to have any...turkey...bacon, would you?
Twister: Bacon comes from pigs, son, not turkey.
Titus: O handle not the theme, to talk of hands, Lest we remember still, that we have none.
PJ: I don't hate women. I love ladies.
Ruth Barron: Ha! Ladies! You wouldn't know any. I bet you date little Barbie dolls, don't you?"Oh, you're so brainy, you're so big! Can I suck your dick?" Can I be alone now?
Roy Lee: What's an auk?
O'Dell: It's a bird that don't fly.
Roy Lee: You mean like a parakeet?
Amédée: Being free, in short, is not doing nothing, but being the sole decider of what to do or what not to do.
Ben Kurtzman: You don't walk out on Sinatra, sir.
Harry: Shut the hell up, Francis, or I won't tell anyone where you are, and that would suck for you.
Asami Yamazaki: Words create lies. Pain can be trusted.
Bishop Cauchon: Poor, deluded Joan. She has no idea she has put a monster on the throne. Those are my last words as Your Majesty's spiritual advisor.
Vince Boudreau: If a man builds a thousand bridges and sucks one dick, they don't call him a bridge-builder... they call him a cocksucker.
Kay Chandler: You know those drugstore kits that tell you when you're pregnant? They should have one that tells you when you're sane.
Theo Calder: I'm Dr. Calder. You've been charged with one count of murder and found incompetent to stand trial.
Pete: She had a demon in her for a while. My neighbour, Mrs. Karsh.
Theo Calder: Mm-hmm.
Pete: It would come and go. Nobody saw it... except me.
Theo Calder: What did it look like, the demon?
Pete: Um... Did you ever see "Alien" with Sigourney Weaver?
Theo Calder: It looked like a giant insect?
Pete: No. It looked like Sigourney Weaver.
The Ghost of Christmas Present: You should have accepted Fred's invitation to dine.
Mr. Ebenezer Scrooge: What?
The Ghost of Christmas Present: For Fran's sake, if not for yours.
Ritchie: Vinny! You fuckin' traitor! What the fuck are you doin'?
Assistant at Bewitched: You're wanted on the set.
Lucille: Honey, I'm wanted in seven states.
Alvin Straight: I want to thank you for your kindness to a stranger.
Danny Riordan, Clermont Resident: It's been a genuine pleasure having you here, Alvin. Write to us some time.
Alvin Straight: I will.
Charlie Tweeder: Say I'm stupid and I'm about to get hit in the nuts.
Billy Bob: That's funny.
Charlie Tweeder: Ain't it funny? That's what I mean. See they need to change the name of the show to America's funniest shots in the nuts.
Orson Welles: I expected better of you, Mank.
Herman Mankiewicz: Me too, but I got used to it.
Mrs. Shah: I will never allow my daughters to marry into this jungly family of half-breeds.
Ella Khan: Well they may be half-bred, but at least they're not friggin' inbred like those two monstrosities.