Reggie Hammond: Let me tell you something, Jack. If shit was worth something, poor people would be born with no asshole.
Warwick: We're going to hell...together!
Ken: I don't wanna play this game anymore.
Mollie Ubriacco: See, Mikey, Mommy is a girl so she doesn't have a penis.
James Ubriacco: But she's got some set of balls.
Sailor: Man, I had a boner with a capital "O."
Molly: ...you have no respect for women.
Joey: I guess dinner and a blow job's out of the question.
Molly: I guess.
Joey: We'll forget dinner.
Justin: Don't you ever run away from me.
Brian Hope: Look Charlie, some con men sell life insurance. The church sells afterlife insurance. It's brilliant! Everyone thinks you might need it, and no-one can prove you don't.
Charlie McManus: The church isn't selling anything, Brian.
Brian Hope: Oh! Well, if the church isn't selling anything how did it get to be so rich? Just remember, wherever there's a deep human need there's money to be made.
Charlie McManus: You think so?
Brian Hope: Of course, look at Kentucky Fried Chicken.
The Player: Are you familiar with this play?
Guildenstern: No.
The Player: A slaughterhouse! Eight corpses all totaled.
Guildenstern: Six!
The Player: Eight.
[Two actors act out being hanged, foreshadowing Rosencrantz and Guildenstern's demise.]
Guildenstern: What are they?
The Player: They're dead. (01:11:11)
Spencer Barnes: I've worked hard to work this hard.
Christian: I'm tired of being my own rival.
Bob the Turk: I warn you, do not make me do something that I would not do, unless someone made me do it because they didn't do something someone told them to do.
Gus Cardinale: Don't worry Bob, I would never do something to make someone do something to someone, because that someone didn't do something that someone wanted them to do.
Bob the Turk: I'm glad we understand each other.
Gus Cardinale: ...Me too.
Doris: I have some news.
Suzanne: What? You had a dream I lost some weight? Endorsed a line of clothing?
Doris: Don't be fresh, dear.
George Jetson: Jane! Get me off this crazy thing.
Kathy: Hold me. Please hold me.
Emory Leeson: I am holding you.
Kathy: I know, but it's a woman thing. I have to say it.
Army Officer: Mr. Singer. What an appropriate name for a man who can't keep his mouth shut.
Mother Nature: Just as love can bring the greatest joy, it can also bring the greatest sorrow. But then, it is love that makes people the most special of all my creatures.
Turkell: It must be visiting hours, 'cause my friend is back.