Ford Fairlane: 1969 Fender Stratocaster, original pick-ups, maple neck, strung upside down for a left-handed motherfucking genius, Jimi Hendrix.
Major Ashley-Pitt: In our experience, Americans are uncouth misfits who should be run out of their own barbaric country.
Matthew Quigley: Well, Lieutenant.
Major Ashley-Pitt: Major.
Matthew Quigley: Major. We already run the misfits outta our country. We sent 'em back to England.
Sergeant: Chief Heinemann says...
Lieutenant Mike Harrigan: Well, Heinemann can kiss my sweet ass!
Miss Bianca: Come on, darling. Let's get a move out.
Martian Soldier: Sir, the Arcturans have destroyed the remainder of the fleet. I sent a distress signal to all ships across the galaxy, but we're headed straight into their sun, and our engines are about to explode.
Enforcer Drone: I have not yet begun to fight.
Martian Soldier: Now would be a great time to start.
Bobby Peru: Sing. Don't cry.
Troy McGreggor: Food.
Clara: Why, every Christmas tree we've ever had is here.
Rick Jarmin: I haven't had a girlfriend for 5 years.
Marianne Graves: Really?
Rick: Yeah - Mr. Wiggly's been on bread and water for 5 years.
Huey Walker: You know, Buckner, if it hadn't've been for you, I'd be in a warm cell right now.
John Buckner: Yeah, being beaten by a nice, warm, rubber hose.
Jack Merridew: Whats this dumbshit I hear about a monster? We're gonna have to send you back to kindergarten.
Larry: I'm serious.
Jack Merridew: Ok what kind of monster? Did it have fur and poison fangs, or long slimy tentacles?
Larry: It growled and it came out of me and it's mouth, it was wet.
Luke: Maybe it was a bear.
Roger: Sounds more like a reptile.
Jack Merridew: Sounds more like bullshit.
Bob the Turk: I warn you, do not make me do something that I would not do, unless someone made me do it because they didn't do something someone told them to do.
Gus Cardinale: Don't worry Bob, I would never do something to make someone do something to someone, because that someone didn't do something that someone wanted them to do.
Bob the Turk: I'm glad we understand each other.
Gus Cardinale: ...Me too.
Brad Little: Mr. Preston, this operation will be a failure if we all die.