Mae Thompson: How did this happen?
Russell 'Russ' Thompson, Sr.: Let me handle this. How did this happen?
Investigator Fujitsuka Natsuo: I tell you rest on need-to-know basis
Detective Tony Costas: Need to know? I tell you what I need to know, I need to know why I shouldn't put my foot up your ass!
Investigator Fujitsuka Natsuo: Reason very simple. Most uncomfortable position for both parties. (00:42:15)
Lilly: Oh, Riff, since Cindy's not feeling well, looks like you and I are gonna be partners.
Riff: No fuckin' way.
Rhet: A roger, a love wand, joy stick, dong, zipper lizard, tally whacker, trouser snake, schlong.
Larry Wilson: "A little brown-nosing, a little ass-kissing, work our way up that corporate ladder?" WHY can't you be a lazy shit like I am?
Annie: You can't put wine in Hobo stew.
Phyllis: Why not? What goes better with Hobos than wine?
Da Mayor: Doctor, those that'll tell don't know, and those that know won't tell.
George Newman: Lesbian Nazi Hookers Abducted by UFOs and Forced Into Weight Loss Programs... All next week on Town Talk.
Dooley: Alright, let's get one thing straight: The woman is mine! Now we're both members of the animal kingdom. You know that and I know that. And we both know that this thing is really primal. So if you think you're such a badass you just try that one more time and you're gonna end up in a pet cemetary! You remember the movie Old Yeller? You remember when they shot him in the end? I didn't cry! Now come on.
Daisy Werthan: It's 7:16.
Boolie Werthan: You should have a job on the radio announcing the time.
Mary Fisher: What's the matter with your clothes?
Nicolette: You did the laundry.
Police Chief Spiro T. Edsel: Use unnecessary force, if necessary.
Denis Dimbleby Bagley: My grandfather was caught molesting a wallaby in a private zoo in 1919.
Psychiatrist: A wallaby?
Denis Dimbleby Bagley: It may have been a kangaroo. I'm not sure.
Psychiatrist: You mean sexually?
Denis Dimbleby Bagley: I suppose so. He had his hand in its pouch.
Lester: I told you I'm putty in your hands.
Halley: What am I gonna do with a handful of putty?
Amos Reed: Let him go, Hooch! I'm sorry, Scott. I don't have the hand-strength I used to. You're OK, aren't you?
Scott Turner: Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. I was looking forward to a nice quiet cup of coffee, but NOW I'M awake.
Kate: Are you going to walk me home? Or should I just get murdered on my own?
John Belushi: I'm only 33 years old. I just had my birthday.
Angel Velasquez: That's right. And you are officially deceased.
John Belushi: Why am I dead?
Angel Velasquez: 'Cause you're stupid. Next question.
John Belushi: Where are we going?
Angel Velasquez: We're going for a ride, Hemo.