Cousin Vicki: I'm going steady, and I French kiss.
Audrey Griswold: So? Everybody does that.
Cousin Vicki: Yeah, but Daddy says I'm the best at it.
Michael: [At the wake.] Great tradition! They throw a great party for you on the one day they know you can't come!
Harvey "Blind" Pew: It sounded as though there was a bit of a squabble.
Moon: Squabble? They're all dead.
Harvey "Blind" Pew: Oh! Must have been more of a tiff then.
Louis Winthorpe III: He was wearing my Harvard tie. Can you believe it? My Harvard tie. Like oh, sure he went to Harvard.
Emma Horton: Some people say Des Moines is the best city in Iowa.
Joel Goodson: Looks like the University of Illinois.
Jack Butler: Honey, you gave me some real good advice once, so let me give you some of my own. It's real easy to forget what's important, so don't."
Donald Quinelle: I'm sorry I'm gonna have to blow a large hole in your skivvy heart.
Townsman: I thought all this money would make me feel different.
Ross Webster: Congratulations, Gus, old buddy. You're going to go down in history as the man who killed Superman.
Little Enos: I'd like to kick your ass.
Buford T. Justice: You can't kick that high, cricket crotch.
Dr. Frank Bryant: Found a culture, have you Rita? Found a better song to sing? No, you found a different song to sing, and on your lips it's shrill and hollow and tuneless.
Man in Bar: Come on, damnit, we wanna hear a cluck.
Stroker Ace: Who gives a cluck?
Clifford Skridlow: Nothing can destroy the Doctor.
Randy: That techno-rock you guys listen to is gutless.
Q: Welcome back, Mr. Bond. I trust there will be lots of gratuitous sex and violence occurring.
Grim Reaper: Shut up, you American. You Americans, all you do is talk, and talk, and say "let me tell you something" and "I just wanna say." Well, you're dead now, so shut up.
Countess Chandra: Darling?
Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau: Yes, my darling?
Countess Chandra: You're smoking the wrong end.
Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau: Yes... I knew that. You don't have to tell me I am smoking zhe wrong end. Do you know why I am smoking zhe wrong end?
Countess Chandra: No darling, but I'm sure you've got a very good reason.
Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau: You're right! I am smoking on zhe wrong end, because I have a very good reason.
Jerome Willy Muhammed: I set fire to my family.