Christopher Titus: Cain slew Abel... oh, happy, happy Cain.
Christopher Titus: My dad's all I've ever had. When I was 3 and 4, my mom used to take me to bars. I understand why now - babysitters cost beer, beer and-a-half an hour.
Christopher Titus: If Dad's gay, then look up, because Jesus is a'comin'.
Christopher Titus: A salamander can grow a new tail in three weeks. My dad can score new tail in three minutes.
Ken "Papa" Titus: Tuck and roll, wussy.
Christopher Titus: The normal make a living, the deranged make history.
Christopher Titus: Dave once got so high, he actually remembered being born.
Christopher Titus: Everybody has hope for the perfect love. Normal people are raised to believe that there's someone out there who's your soulmate, your best friend, your lover. My dad always told me that when you find that person, "You gotta nail her".
Christopher Titus: Fifteen years I have chosen not to drink. Because I'm not good at drinking. I know it. Erin knows it. The fire department that had to put me out knows it.
Christopher Titus: According to the Los Angeles Times, 63% of families in America are now considered dysfunctional. That means that I'm in the majority. It's the people with the mom, dad, brother, sister, white picket fence, those people are the freaks.
Christopher Titus: Sometimes, to help the people you love, you've gotta commit a felony.
Christopher Titus: Everyone's a racist. It's the one thing that makes us all the same.
Christopher Titus: Listen, my niece has been living with us for 3 months, and she is my responsibility. If some bully is harassing her, I'm gonna do something about it! I hate bullies.
Tommy Shafter: You're about to beat up a kid with a bat.
Christopher Titus: Yeah, what's your point?
Amy Fitzpatrick: Chew my boob, homo.
Tommy Shafter: Whip it out.
Christopher Titus: Erin starts every morning by saying the word happy ten times. Happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, pfft, urk.
Erin (Age 5): Mommy, smoking causes cancer.
Erins Mom: Mommy wants cancer, honey. Because of your daddy.
Erin (Age 5): Happy, happy, happy happy.
Christopher Titus: Erin is a caretaker. She takes care of everything. Stray dogs, stray cats, stray fishes. I don't know were she gets them.
Christopher Titus: The only way to tell my Dad something is to write it on a note, and tie it to a brick, and throw it through a window. Of course, now Dad's armed with a brick.
Erin Fitzpatrick: You let a car fall on him. I still don't know what that taught him.
Ken Titus: Cars are heavy.
Erin Fitzpatrick: Everybody knows that.
Ken Titus: So does he, thanks to me.
Christopher Titus: After all, once you've driven your drunk father to your mom's parole hearing, what else is there?
Christopher Titus: Dave's my brother, I love him with all my heart. No matter how many times I'm charged as an accessory.
