Father Ted (1995)

Father Ted: Ah, Sister Assumpta.
Sister Assumpta: Hello Father.
Father Ted: Dougal, Dougal, do you remember Sister Assumpta?
Father Dougal: Er, no.
Father Ted: She was here last year. And then we stayed with her in the convent, back in Kildare. Do you remember it? Ah, you do. And then you were hit by the car when you went down to the shops for the paper. You must remember all that? And then you won a hundred pounds with your lottery card? Ah, you must remember it, Dougal.
[Dougal shakes his head.]
Sister Assumpta: And weren't you accidentally arrested for shoplifting? I remember we had to go down to the police station to get you. And the police station went on fire? And you had to be rescued by helicopter?
Father Ted: Do you remember? You can't remember any of that? The helicopter. When you fell out of the helicopter. Over the zoo. Do you remember the tigers?
[Dougal shakes his head some more.]
Father Ted: You don't remember? You were wearing your blue jumper.
Father Dougal: Ah, Sister Assumpta.

Mrs Doyle: There's always time for a nice cup of tea. Sure, didn't the Lord himself pause for a nice cup of tea before giving himself up for the world.
Father Ted: No, he didn't, Mrs Doyle!
Mrs Doyle: Well, whatever the equivalent they had for tea in those days, cake or something. And speaking of cake, I have cake!
[Holds up a cupcake.]
Father Ted: No thanks, Mrs Doyle.
Mrs Doyle: Are you sure, Father? There's cocaine in it!
Father Ted: WHAT?
Mrs Doyle: Oh, no, not cocaine. God, what am I on about. No, what d'you call them. Raisins.

Father Dougal: Ahh, let's see, I'll have the Hindu curry, steak and chips, and a glass of coke, thanks.
Policeman: Do you know where you are? You're in a police station.
Father Dougal: Oh right. Well, in that case, I'll just have the Satay Chicken.

[Ted answers the phone.]
Bishop Brennan: Crilly, It's me.
Father Ted: Oh feck!
Bishop Brennan: What?
Father Ted: [in French accent.] Who ees thees? Zere is no Creely 'ere.
[Ted hangs up.]
Father Ted: God almighty! I just said "feck" to Bishop Brennan!
Father Dougal: Oho! He won't like that!
Father Ted: It might be all right though. I disguised my voice so he'd think he dialled the wrong number.
[Phone rings, Ted picks it up.]
Father Ted: Ah, Bishop Brennan. I think you must have got the wrong number when you called there.