J. Jonah Jameson: Awe, that's sweet. I hate sweet. I need photos. Photos of Spider-Man!
Poetry Journal Assistant: This is a poetry journal.
J. Jonah Jameson: Okay then, poems about Spider-Man. And I want them finished before you start. And before you finish, get me some coffee. And the poems should have the following rhyme scheme: A-B-B-A-A-B-B-A-C-D-E-C-D-E. What are you waiting for, Chinese New Year?
Poetry Journal Assistant: Chief, we just got a submission from a brilliant poet no-one's ever heard of.
J. Jonah Jameson: Huh, huh, hmm. Genius. Pay him nothing and run it on the cover. [Picks up phone] Stop the presses, send my wife some flowers, and bring me an Advil. What do you mean you don't work for me? You're hired. Now that you're hired, you're fired. Now that you don't work here, we can be friends. Now that we're friends, how come you never call? Some friend you are! [Hangs up] God, I love this business.
Homer Simpson in 'Kidney Trouble' - S10-E8
Marge: Aren't you going to give him the Last Rites?
Reverend Lovejoy: That's Catholic, Marge. You might as well ask me to do a voodoo dance.
Lisa: Dr. Hibbert, I thought you located another kidney for Grampa?
Dr. Hibbert: Larry Hagman took it. He's got five of them now, and three hearts. We didn't want to give them to him, but he overpowered us.
The Principal and the Pauper - S9-E2
Superintendent Chalmers: The rod up that man's butt must have a rod up its butt.
Tree House of Horror IX - S10-E4
Ed McMahon: From the producers of "When Skirts Fall Off" and "Secrets of National Security Revealed," it's "World's Deadliest Executions."
The Old Man and the Key - S13-E13
Homer: Here we are: Branson, Missouri.
Male Charles Bronson Lookalike: No, pally. This is Bronson, Missouri.
Lisa: Well how do we get to Branson?
Female Charles Bronson Lookalike: Number 10 bus.
Child Charles Bronson Lookalike: Hey Ma, how 'bout some cookies?
Female Charles Bronson Lookalike: No dice.
Child Charles Bronson Lookalike: This ain't over.
Homer vs. Patty and Selma - S6-E17
Chief Wiggum: Evening, Simpson. You got a short in your taillight, started blinking when you made that turn.
Marge vs. the Monorail - S4-E12
Mayor Quimby: Alright, I'm in charge here.
Chief Wiggum: Oh, run along Quimby. I think they're dedicating a phone booth somewhere.
Mayor Quimby: Watch it, you talking tub of donut batter.
Chief Wiggum: Hey, I got pictures of you Quimby.
Mayor Quimby: You don't scare me. That could be anyone's ass.
Smithers: Sir, the actors are here to audition for the part of you.
Mr. Burns: Excellent.
Hannibal Lecter: Excellent. [Snarls].
Mr. Burns: Next.
William Shatner: Ex. Cell. Ent.
Mr. Burns: Next.
Homer: Exactly. Heh heh. D'oh!
Mr. Burns: Next.
Bumblebee Man: ¡Excelente!
Señor Spielbergo: Es muy bueno.
Mr. Burns: Oh, it's hopeless. I'll have to play myself.
Tree House of Horror IV: The Simpson's Halloween Special IV - S5-E5
Demon: So, you like donuts, eh?
Homer: Uh huh.
Demon: Well, have all the donuts in the world. [Laughs maniacally.]
[Homer proceeds to eat all the donuts in the world with little effort.]
Demon: I don't understand it. James Coco went mad in fifteen minutes.
Principal Skinner: Mother's gone too far. She's put a cardboard box over her half of the television. We rented "Man Without a Face." I didn't even know he had a problem.
Tree House of Horror XI - S12-E1
Homer: Did you see that? I did the deed. Open up.
St. Peter: Oh, I'm sorry. I wasn't looking.
Homer: Hey, I thought you guys could see everything.
St. Peter: No, you're thinking of Santa Claus.
Homer: Well I'll be damned.
St. Peter: I'm afraid so, yes. [Drops Homer into Hell.]
The Springfield Files - S8-E10
Kent Brockman: Tonight on eyewitness news: a man who's been in a coma for 23 years wakes up.
Coma patient: Do Sonny and Cher still have that stupid show?
Kent Brockman: No, she won an Oscar and he's a congressman.
Coma patient: Good night! [Flatlines].
The Old Man and the Lisa - S8-E21
[Mr. Burns is grocery shopping for the first time and sees Krusty getting a box of Krusty O's]
Mr. Burns: Could you tell me where I might find the Burns O's?
Krusty: Sorry Pops, they don't put nobodies on cereal boxes.
Mr. Burns: [Looking at a box of Count Chocula] Well, I suppose this one looks a bit like me.
Simpsoncalifragilisticexpiala(Annoyed Grunt)cious - S8-E13
Young Rainier Wolfcastle: [singing a commercial jingle] Mein bratwurst has a first name. It's F-R-I-T-Z. Mein bratwurst has a second name. It's S-C-H-N-A-C-K-E-N-P-F-E-F-F-E-R-H-A-U-S-E-N.
Treehouse Of Horror XVI - S17-E4
Mayor Quimby: And now the finalists for Best Costume. First, we have Blacula.
Dr. Hibbert: Oh, because I'm black and I'm Dracula, that makes me Blacula?
[Bart is in class discreetly listening to an incarcerated Sideshow Bob on a talk radio show.]
Birch Barlow: I am going to make it my mission to see that our friend Bob is set free.
Bart: No!
Ms. Krabappel: Well, despite Bart's objections, the people of South Africa can now vote in free democratic elections.
Lionel Hutz: This is the most blatant case of fraudulent advertising since my suit against the film "The Neverending Story."
Treehouse of Horror XIX - S20-E4
Nelson: Touch me and I'll cut your friend.
The Grand Pumpkin: What do I care? That's a yellow pumpkin.
Nelson: [Gasps] You're a racist.
The Grand Pumpkin: All pumpkins are racist. The difference is I admit it.
