Quotes from Woody Allen movies and TV shows - page 6 of 8

Ariel: He taught me a lot.
Andrew: Like what?
Ariel: Like how to listen to Mozart.
Andrew: With your ears, right?

Maxwell: I'm a doctor and I believe in the spirit world.
Andrew: Oh, you have to, Maxwell, that's where all your patients end up.

Andrew: He's a wonderful guy and a terrific doctor. Never lost a patient. Got a couple of them pregnant, but never lost one.

Andrew: Dulcy's cute, Maxwell. What is she? Twelve years old? Thirteen? What?
Maxwell: She's twice that, Andrew! She's very experienced. She couldn't keep her hands off me on the way up here.
Andrew: Oh, Jesus, when are you gonna grow up? You're like one of those creatures in Greek mythology who's half-goat.
Maxwell: You only live once, Andrew, you know that.

Allan: I attacked her. I'm a vicious jungle beast! She's panicking. By the time she gets home she'll be hysterical. What am I going to tell Dick? She'll probably go right to Police headquarters. Oh, what did I do? I'm not Bogart. I never will be Bogart. I'm a disgrace to my sex. I should get a job in a Arabian palace as a eunuch.

Bogart: Now move closer to her.
Allan: How close?
Bogart: The length of your lips.
Allan: That's very close.

Dick: What? You got into a fight?
Allan: Yep.
Dick: With who?
Allan: Some guys were getting tough with Julie. I had to teach them a lesson.
Dick: Are you all right?
Allan: Yeah, I'm fine. I snapped my chin down onto some guy's fist and hit another one in the knee with my nose.

Linda: My God! Can't you cook anything but TV dinners?
Allan: Who bothers to cook them? I suck 'em frozen.

Allan: Yeah, I get that.
Linda: What is it, fear or anxiety?
Allan: Homosexual panic.

Allan: I've got a big decision to make, do I go with Oscar Peterson or Bartók String Quartet No. 5?
Linda: Why don't you play Oscar Peterson and leave Bartók out so everybody can see it.

Allan: I'll get broads up here like you wouldn't believe: swingers, freaks, nymphomaniacs, dental hygienists.

Allan: I gave her a home and affection and security. This was a little girl I found waiting tables at The Hip Bagel. I used to go in there every night and over tip her. A dollar fifty on a thirty-five cent check.

Linda: Would you like us to call a doctor?
Allan: No, no, I could use a 3 foot band-aid.

Allan: I wonder if she actually had an orgasm in the two years we were married, or did she fake it that night?

Linda: What were you thinking about the whole time we were making love?
Allan: Willie Mays.
Linda: Do you always think about baseball players?
Allan: It keeps me going.
Linda: Yeah, I wondered why you kept yelling "slide."

Allan: If you want me, I'll be home, on the floor, having an anxiety attack.

Allan: I'm so excited, I think I'll brush all my teeth today.

Linda: Maybe if you just leaned across the candlelight and kissed her.
Allan: I tried, she used to say, "Christ, not here, everybody's staring."

Nancy: Don't listen to him.
Bogart: Don't listen to HER.
Allan: Fellas, we're in a supermarket.

Allan: Here, I got you a present because it's your birthday.
Linda: How'd you know?
Allan: Well, you mentioned the date and I remembered because it's the same day my mother had her hysterectomy.