Quotes from Woody Allen movies and TV shows - page 4 of 8

Fielding Mellish: I object, your honor! This trial is a travesty. It's a travesty of a mockery of a sham of a mockery of a travesty of two mockeries of a sham.

The Queen: Kiss me quick.
The Fool: Yes... where is your quick?

The Fool: Before you know it, the Renaissance will be here and we'll all be painting.

Val: ...driving around his 1938 Vintage Roadster. If someone saw me in a vintage '38, they'd think I was Himmler.

Val: You know, I would kill for this job, but the people I want to kill are the people offering me the job.

Val: I came to hold out an olive branch.
Tony Waxman: "An olive branch"? What is this, the Israeli parliament?

Val: For me, the nicest thing about masturbation is afterward, the cuddling time.

Ellie: We didn't communicate.
Val: We had sex.
Ellie: Yes, we had sex. But we never talked.
Val: Sex is better than talk. Ask anybody in this bar. Talk is what you suffer through so you can get to sex.

Val: For God sakes, this is a woman I was married to for 10 years. We made love. I'd hold her head over the toilet bowl when she threw up.
Lori: From making love with you?

Val: Thank God the French exist.

Val: We once had a discussion about music and he threatened to push me down a flight of stairs.
Psychiatrist: What happened?
Val: It worked. He pushed me down a flight of stairs.

Val: I got the last plane out of Toronto. Hey, have you ever seen Canada? Now I know why there's no crime up there.

Val: You know, part of me wants it so badly.
Lori: And the other part?
Val: Also wants it. That's the problem.

Gabe Roth: I do not flirt.
Judy Roth: Don't tell me you don't flirt because I've seen you do it, at parties, you put on a whole other personality.
Gabe Roth: Oh you're crazy.
Judy Roth: Of course you do. You get all soulful and pretend to want things that you really can't stand.
Gabe Roth: Like what? What are you talking about?
Judy Roth: Like moving to Europe. That's just a flirting technique, you couldn't survive off the island of Manhattan for more than 48 hours.

Larry Lipton: Claustrophobia and a dead body - this is a neurotic's jackpot.

Larry Lipton: I was in a deep sleep - I was dreaming of round card girls.

Paul House: Well, what do you buy a woman who has everything?
Lillian House: We already own twin cemetery plots.
Larry Lipton: I always think a Bentley is in good taste. Or, you could go the route I did and buy her a set of handkerchiefs.
Carol Lipton: Well, they were very nice though, and they had my initials.
Larry Lipton: Yeah, and I didn't even know her size.

Larry Lipton: Here, taste my tuna casserole and tell if I put in too much hot fudge.

Larry Lipton: You're suggesting we try to provoke him into murdering us?
Marcia Fox: You have a problem with that?
Larry Lipton: Well, either that, or I suddenly developed Parkinson's.

Larry Lipton: Don't do this! We should be asleep now in one of our many cuddling positions.