Quotes from Walter Matthau movies and TV shows - page 2 of 5

Maria: I haven't been with a man for a long time.
Max Goldman: Me neither.

John Gustafson: This milk has chunks in it.
Max Goldman: What's your point?

John Gustafson: Here, drop anchor.
Max Goldman: You cut the anchor you dumb ass.
John Gustafson: Alright, then grab the net.
Max Goldman: You cut that too you dick head.

Max Goldman: If I had known I would be doing a nude scene, I'd have asked for another million.

Max Goldman: Hey, watch your mouth you dumb friggin' Swede.

Max Goldman: You mean the low-life, ass-wipe, egg-sucker John Gustafson?
Snyder: Have you seen him?
Max Goldman: The man's crazy. Loco. Always hanging out around those kinky strip bars. You know, the ones where the men take their clothes off. That's of course if he's taken his medication.
Snyder: Medication?
Max Goldman: Yes, without it he could be anywhere. Wandering around talking to the trees. I'm telling you the man's a menace, he's always drinking, starting fights.

Max Goldman: You know what Jacob said? Jacob said old Billy Hensel was killed in a car crash. Cleared his car straight off the bridge into the Mississippi.
John Gustafson: Lucky bastard.
Max Goldman: You bet.
John Gustafson: Hey, how is he, anyway?
Max Goldman: Dead! Died on impact.
John Gustafson: Jacob, moron, Jacob.

Max Goldman: Did you win the Lottery Dickhead?
John Gustafson: Enjoy your shower Smart Ass?

Max Goldman: She chose me, and anyone who says different is a damn liar.

Max Goldman: When I had my ulcers, I was farting razor blades.

Max Goldman: Who's the guy yakkin' at your door?
John Gustafson: Just mind your own business, will ya?
Max Goldman: Mind your own business, will ya? Mind your own business. Why don't you tie your shoelace, you'll fall on your stupid head.

Max Goldman: Gotta use hot water, dickhead.

Max Goldman: Up yours, Gustafson.

Max Goldman: Hey dickhead you win the lottery?

Weatherman: Cold enough for ya? Brrrrrrr.
Max Goldman: Oh, shut up, fatass.

Max Goldman: Good morning, dickhead.
John Gustafson: Hello, moron.

Max Goldman: Do me a favor. Put your lip over your head... and swallow.

Lou Mozell: You know, that I actually met a girl by the name of Moo Goo Gai Pan? That was her last name. Her first name was Freida. Freida Moo Goo Gai Pan. She was half-Jewish, half-Chinese. A lot of people called her the Ori-Yenta.

Albert Einstein: Algae? This is a color?

Albert Einstein: If you had had a nickel for every nickel that he has, you would have a lot of nickels.