Quotes from Thomas Haden Church movies and TV shows

Mr. Griffith: I don't know what your generation's fascination is with documenting your every thought... But I can assure you, they're not all diamonds."Roman is having an OK day, and bought a Coke Zero at the gas station. Raise the roof." Who gives a rat's ass?

Ray Wincott: I wanted to tell Kyle, I wanted him to know the truth. But the way he looked at me, the way he looked up to me... I just couldn't do it. A hero always tells the truth no matter what people think about him or no matter what the consequences are. And you have always been that way Justin.

Jack: Are you still seeing that shrink?
Miles Raymond: I saw him on Monday. I spent most of the time helping him with his computer.
Jack: Well, I say, fuck therapy. And what is that stuff you take... Xanax?
Miles Raymond: And Lexapro, yes.
Jack: Well, I say, fuck that too. You need to get your joint worked on, Miles.

Jack: Try to be your normal, humorous self. The guy you were before the tailspin. Do you remember that guy? People love that guy.

Jack: Do not drink too much. Do you hear me? I don't want you passing out or going in the dark side. No going in the dark side.
Miles Raymond: Okay.

Jack: Somebody had to do the talking. And by the way, I was right. She's not married.
Miles Raymond: How do you know?
Jack: No rock. When she came to the bar, sans rock.

Cammi: And here are your handy wipes.
Jack: Oh, so that's what these are. For a minute there I thought you guys were promoting safe sex.

Jack: I'm trying to get you a little action, I'd appreciate a little help.

Jack: Speak for yourself. I get chicks lookin' at me all the time. All ages. Dudes too.
Miles Raymond: Well, it's not worth it. You pay too big a price. It's never free.
Jack: You need to get laid, Miles. You know what? That's going to be my best man gift to you this week. I'm gonna get you laid.
Miles Raymond: Wonderful.
Jack: I'm not gonna get you a gift certificate or a pen knife or any of that other horse shit.
Miles Raymond: I'd rather have a knife.

Miles Raymond: Now the cards are on the table.
Jack: Yes, they are.

Jack: If they want to drink Merlot, we're drinking Merlot.
Miles Raymond: No, if anyone orders Merlot, I'm leaving. I am not drinking any fucking Merlot.

Miles Raymond: Hey, what should I wear?
Jack: I don't know, something casual but nice. They think you're a writer.

Jack: This chick Stephanie, she's got it all goin' on.
Miles Raymond: Well, she is cute, yeah.
Jack: Cute? She's a fuckin' hottie. And you almost tell her that I'm gettin' married? What's the matter with you?

Jack: Yo! Yo! Here's my boy! Here's my boy! But who's your daddy? Now who is your daddy?
Miles Raymond: Put me down, Jack.
Jack: I'm so proud of you! Let me love you! So tell me everything. Details. I like details.
Miles Raymond: No.
Jack: What?
Miles Raymond: It's private.
Jack: You're kidding, right? Tell me what happened, you fucker, or I'll tie your dick in a knot.
Miles Raymond: Let's leave it alone.
Jack: You didn't get any, did you? You're a homo.

Jack: You gotta help me! You gotta help me.

Miles Raymond: She tell you she was married?
Jack: Yeah.
Miles Raymond: So what the fuck were you thinking?
Jack: Wasn't supposed to be back 'til six. Fucker rolls in at five.

Jack: Listen, honey. Let me call you right back. Miles and I are in the middle of something. No, it's nothing serious, Miles is just having one of his freak-outs. Yeah. Love you too.

Jack: Consult your doctor before using this product. Side effects may include oily discharge, hives, loss of appetite, low blood pressure. If you have diabetes or a history of kidney trouble, you're dead, asshole.

Jack: Bet ya that chick's two tons of fun. You know, the grateful type?

Vanessa Wetherhold: Everybody hates me.
Chuck Wetherhold: If you tell people they're stupid, they'll usually hate you.