Quotes from Peter Falk movies and TV shows - page 2 of 3

Dr. Ray Flemming: Lieutenant, if there's any further way I can be of assistance to you.
Lt. Columbo: Oh, no, no, no, you just make out that list, that'll be fine, Doc.
Dr. Ray Flemming: Thank you.
Lt. Columbo: Oh, oh, one more thing, before I forget.

Lt. Columbo: You know my sister, she has a living room that's very, very modern. But the minute you sit down in it, you can't open your mouth. You know, she's got this big kidney-shaped coffee table, it upsets me just to look at it. Her husband doesn't say anything and I figure the coffee table got to him years ago.

Joan Hudson: I want to call my lawyer.
Lt. Columbo: Dr. Flemming murders his wife and you want to call your lawyer?

Dr. Ray Flemming: With all that experience, you jumped to the wrong conclusion.
Lt. Columbo: What do you mean?
Dr. Ray Flemming: I didn't kill my wife.
Lt. Columbo: I never said that you did.
Dr. Ray Flemming: Oh, that's true. Imply. "Imply" is more the word. But if I killed my wife - and I did say "if" - you're never going to be able to prove it.

Lt. Columbo: I was wondering, Doctor, would you take me on as a patient?
Dr. Ray Flemming: Take you on as a what?
Lt. Columbo: No, I mean it. Maybe you can help me. I don't know, There must be something wrong with me. I seem to bother people. I seem to make them nervous. Maybe you can tell me why.

Vince Ricardo: Sometimes I'm so smart I scare myself.

Tommy: Dad and his mysterious phone calls.
Vince Ricardo: What the hell do you mean by that?
Tommy: Nothing. You're just always making these weird calls in back rooms and pay booths.
Vince Ricardo: You little snot-nose! Those phone calls put you through college.

Vince Ricardo: I was in the jungle - the bush we called it - for approximately nine months.
Sheldon: Nine months! That must have really been something.
Vince Ricardo: It was. I saw things... They have tsetse flies down there the size of eagles.

Vince Ricardo: Serpentine Shelly. Serpentine.

Vince Ricardo: Just go with the flow, Shel, just go with the flow.
Sheldon: What flow? There isn't any flow.

Sheldon: Is he dead?
Vince Ricardo: If he's alive, he's putting on a hell of an act, ain't he?

Vince Ricardo: What do you think will happen when they run off this dough... and there's trillions of extra dollars, francs, and marks floating around? You've got a collapse of confidence in the currency. People are gonna panic. There's gonna be gold riots, atonal music... political chaos, mass suicide. Right? It's Germany before Hitler. You can see that. Jesus, I don't know what people are gonna do... when a six-pack of Budweisers costs $1,200. That'll be awful.

Sam Diamond: I never did nothin' to a man that I wouldn't do to a woman.

Sam Diamond: You say you know who's going to get it?
Lionel Twain: Intimately.
Inspector Milo Perrier: And you know how the crime is to be committed?
Lionel Twain: Definitely.
Sidney Wang: And exactly what time murder to take place?
Lionel Twain: The murder. Precisely.
Dora Charleston: Well, I know it's none of my business, but doesn't that mean that you're the murderer, Mr. Twain?

Tess Skeffington: I'm scared, Sam. Hold me.
Sam Diamond: Hold yourself. I'm busy.

Lionel Twain: I'm the greatest, I'm number one.
Sam Diamond: To me, you look like number two, know what I mean?
Dora Charleston: What does he mean, Miss Skeffington?
Tess Skeffington: I'll tell you later. It's disgusting.

Lionel Twain: That drives me crazy.
Sam Diamond: Sounds like a short ride to me.

Tess Skeffington: I don't feel good about this, Sam. Maybe tonight's the night your luck runs out.
Sam Diamond: Maybe so. There's a number on the wall for all of us, angel, and if tonight's the night they pick mine, so be it. After you, sweetheart.

Tess Skeffington: Sam, why do you keep all those naked muscle men magazines in your office?
Sam Diamond: Suspects. Always looking for suspects.

Sidney Wang: It is late, and my eyes are getting tired.
Sam Diamond: I thought they always looked like that.
Jessica Marbles: Knock it off, Sam.
Sam Diamond: I apologize. This case is getting to me. I'm sorry, Slanty.
Sidney Wang: Um... thank you.