Quotes from Kristen Wiig movies and TV shows

Annie: This is the first time I've seen you look ugly, and that makes me happy!

Annie: You read my diary?
Brynn: At first I did not know it was your diary, I thought it was a very sad handwritten book.

John Solomon: I literally can not wait to feel myself inside you.
Janine: Woah! The only thing you're going to feel yourself inside of is a cold Dixie cup.
Dean Solomon: Well that certainly doesn't make your vagina sound very appealing.

Gru: Do you speak Spanish?
Miss Hattie: Do I look like someone who speaks Spanish?
Gru: It's just that your face is so... Como es burro.
Miss Hattie: Oh! Why, thank you!

Lucy Wilde: Agents Grucy are closing fast!
Gru: Yes! Wait, whaa? What did you call us?
Lucy Wilde: Grucy. You know, Gru and Lucy mushed together - Grucy.
Gru: I like it, but not a lot. I don't like it.

Suzie: Who'd you want to have an affair with, anyway?
Joel: Just some criminal drifter.

Kevin: Can I bring my cat to work? He has terrible anxiety problems.
Abby Yates: Oh, I'd love to let you bring your cat to work, but I have a terrible cat allergy.
Kevin: I don't have a cat. He's a dog. His name is My Cat.
Abby Yates: You named your dog My Cat?
Kevin: Mike Hat.
Erin Gilbert: First name Mike, last name Hat?
Kevin: Well, his full name is Michael Hat.

Erin Gilbert: I'm not good in a fight.
Abby Yates: Well, here's your chance to work on that.

Erin Gilbert: Proton guns are all well and good, but sometimes you need the Swiss Army.

Erin Gilbert: That stuff went everywhere, by the way. In every crack.

Ruth Buggs: Well ain't that a bag of tits.

Ruth Buggs: So everything that I have been told my whole life, is just a big fat lie? Do you know how that feels?
Graeme Willy: Look. Just because your truth, isn't the true truth, doesn't mean there is no truth, Ruth.
Ruth Buggs: That's easy for you to say.
Graeme Willy: It's really not.

Jamaican Rum: Hey, bun! Welcome to the aisle! Want to dance?
Brenda: No thank you, man. I'm quite irie, just being left alone over here, don't you know?

Brenda: What are you saying? I should believe in nothing? That everything is pointless?
Frank: Better than believing a bunch of bullshit that you can't explain.
Brenda: Well, maybe I don't need to explain it, because it's something I feel.
Frank: Well, I feel like that makes it hard to have a rational conversation.
Brenda: F you, Frank.

Alice Klieg: This morning I woke up and there was a pubic hair on my pillow shaped like a question mark. And it really got me thinking of unanswered questions, like all the times in my life when I was supposed to feel something but I felt nothing and all the other times in my life where I wasn't supposed to feel anything but I felt too much and the people around me weren't really ready for all of my feelings.

Alice Klieg: I was a summer baby born in 1971 in Simi Valley, California, and I've been using masturbation as a sedative since 1991.

Alice Klieg: You docked in my port.

Alice Klieg: Ladies and gentlemen, meatloaf cake, with mashed sweet potato icing, with only 433 calories, 52 grams of protein, and only five caibo-hydrants. I think I'm going to have a slice.

Alice Klieg: Come with me. Into another time that happened to me.

Alexanya Atoz: Do you ever have feeling, where you see young teenage girl with perfect skin, and you want to kill her? And take her skin, and put it on your skin? We've bottled that feeling.