Marge: Ooh, a rattle. Thank you, Selma.
Moe: Yeah, great present, Selma. Nice of you to break a five.
Selma: Get a neck, Frankenstein.
Moe: Hey, open my present. Open my present. It's Uncle Moe's play tavern, with classic drunk Barney. Look, even the little toilet is broken.
Marge: I don't know if toy drunkards are an appropriate gift for a baby.
Moe: Sure they are. They even talk, look [flips switch on a Homer figurine].
Homer Figurine: I peed my pants.
Homer: I recorded that for private use!
Quotes from Julie Kavner movies and TV shows - page 2 of 3
Bart: May I be excused, Mom?
Homer: Oh, so now you're quitting dinner too.
Marge: Homer, please.
Homer: I didn't raise him to be a quitter, Marge. It must have been you. You've quit every job you've had. Cop, pretzel vendor, church counselor, professional gambler.
Marge: He's doing what he thinks is best.
Homer: Well if quitting is the best, maybe I should just quit my job. [Picks up the phone and calls Mr. Burns.]
Mr. Burns: Ahoy-hoy.
Homer: Mr. Burns, this is Homer J. Simpson. The father of the big quitter. Well I just wanted to tell you I'm a big quitter too, and I quit [winks at phone].
Marge: Homer, Mr. Burns can't see you winking.
Homer: So? [Screams].
Cape Feare - S5-E2
Chief Wiggum: Sideshow Bob has no decency. He called me Chief Piggum. [Gallery laughs] Oh, now I get it. Ah ha ha, that's good.
Selma: Sideshow Bob tried to kill me on our honeymoon.
Blue-haired Lawyer: How many people in this court are thinking of killing her right now? [A few people raise their hands] Be honest. [Everyone raises their hands, including Patty]
Patty: Ah, she's always leaving the toilet seat up.
Blue-haired Lawyer: Robert, if released would you pose any threat to one Bart Simpson?
Sideshow Bob: Bart Simpson? The spirited little scamp who twice foiled my evil schemes and sent me to this dank, urine-soaked hell-hole.
Parole Board Member #1: Uh, we object to the term "urine-soaked hell-hole" when you could have said "pee-pee-soaked heck-hole."
Sideshow Bob: Cheerfully withdrawn.
Blue-haired Lawyer: Well what about that tattoo on your chest? Doesn't it say "Die Bart, Die?"
Sideshow Bob: No, that's German for "The Bart, The."
Parole Board Member #3: No one who speaks German could be an evil man.
Parole Board Member #2: Parole granted.
Dude, Where's My Ranch? - S14-E18
The Simpsons Family: ♪ Just hear those sleigh bells jingling...
Blue-haired Lawyer: Cease and desist! You are forbidden to perform that song without paying royalties to the copyright owner.
Marge: Nobody owns Christmas carols. They belong to everyone, like grapes at the grocery store.
Blue-haired Lawyer: Not true, but you are welcome to sing the many public domain carols, such as "O Tannenbaum," "Good King Wenceslas," "Jesu, Joy of Man's Desiring."
Homer: Those suck! They're worse than nothing! I could write way better songs.
Blue-haired Lawyer: Go ahead, but don't use A-flat or G-natural, those notes are owned by Disney.
Homer: [Moans.]
Blue-haired Lawyer: That's A-flat.
Homer: [Moans in a higher pitch.]
Blue-haired Lawyer: That's better.
Lionel Hutz: Uh oh. We've drawn Judge Snyder.
Marge: Is that bad?
Lionel Hutz: Well he's sorta had it in for me since I kinda ran over his dog.
Marge: You did?
Lionel Hutz: Well, replace the word 'kinda' with the word 'repeatedly' and the word 'dog' with 'son'.
Tree House of Horror IV: The Simpson's Halloween Special IV - S5-E5
[Homer runs naked through the kitchen, where Patty and Selma are eating.]
Patty: [after seeing Homer.] There goes the last lingering thread of my heterosexuality.
There's No Disgrace Like Home - S1-E4
Homer: Sometimes I think we're the worst family in town.
Marge: Well maybe we should move to a larger community.
Weekend at Burnsie's - S13-E16
Marge: Where did you get that suit?
Homer: Whoa whoa, one question at a time.
Chinese Consulate: Your adoption application is in perfect order, except for one thing. You forgot to fill out the name of your husband.
Selma: Husband.
Chinese Consulate: Of course. The Chinese government only allows wholesome married couples to adopt. No hen without cock. I apologize if that is a double entendre in your language. It is not in ours.
Selma: Don't worry, I'll just write my husband's name on this form. Have you ever heard of MacGyver?
Chinese Consulate: Oh yes. Big star. Big star. We know he's not married to you.
[Marge is trying to purchase a sports cup for Bart.]
Marge: He's going to need, uh, protection.
Clerk: Sure, one helmet coming up.
Marge: I was thinking more like protection for, down there.
Clerk: Oh, why didn't you say so? Knee pads, you got it.
Marge: [Laughs nervously] I'm talking about his personal area.
Clerk: Aha, say no more. I read you loud and clear. The old shoulder pads.
Marge: Look, I want a cup.
Clerk: Cup? Could you spell that?
Marge: C-U-P. I wanna C-U... oh my god!
Join the mailing list
Separate from membership, this is to get updates about mistakes in recent releases. Addresses are not passed on to any third party, and are used solely for direct communication from this site. You can unsubscribe at any time.
Check out the mistake & trivia books, on Kindle and in paperback.