Quotes from John Ritter movies and TV shows

Junior: Ahh, finally I get some room in here.
'Big' Ben Healy: You little psycho, this time you've gone too far.
Junior: Ah, shut your trap.
'Big' Ben Healy: You're an evil boy. And you've gotta learn to respect your elders. If your old man won't teach you some manners, by god I will.

Ben Healy: Junior, you remember Ms. Klaukinski.
Junior: How could I forget? Her pie gave us the runs.

Zach: There is a God! And he's a gag-writer!

Zach: You are such a prick!
Leon 'Sparky' Sparks: Most of my friends are pricks.
Zach: Most of your pricks are friends.

Zach: What would you do if I told you I've been celibate for six months?
Alex: Cross my legs.

Zach: I take it back. You're too much of a cunt to be a prick.

Linda: Frank's always after a father figure and Lord knows Doyle ain't one with his mean ass.
Vaughan Cunningham: What about me?
Linda: Frank doesn't really see you as a guy-guy.
Vaughan Cunningham: Oh, and Karl's a guy-guy?

Doyle: Hey, Vaughan, I heard you been putting it on ol' Albert Sellers who works over at the funeral home.
Vaughan Cunningham: I know Albert. We're friends.
Doyle: No, I heard you're more than friends. I heard Dick Rivers come in there and caught the two of you all bowled up and going at it in the same room with poor Miss Ogletree, her dead as a doornail laid out on a gurney.
Vaughan Cunningham: That is ridiculous. That is just a total lie.

Vaughan Cunningham: You always seem to be deep in thought. Tell me, what are you thinking right now?
Karl: I was thinkin', I'm gonna take me some of these taters home with me.
Vaughan Cunningham: How about before that?
Karl: Well, let me think... I was thinkin' I could use me another couple cans'o that potted meat if ya got any extree.

Vaughan Cunningham: Please don't tell anybody at the store that Albert was here. You know how this town is. Everybody spreads cruel rumors.
Melinda: You mean about you and Albert being that way...? I think everybody at the store already knows about it. Maureen Ledbetter told the most awful story about why you ain't allowed at the First Baptist Church no more.

Roy Knable: Holy Shatner.

Roy Knable: My doctor told me doughnuts would be the death of me!

Ralph Furley: Ohhhh, I'm through with women.
Jack Tripper: Aww.
Ralph Furley: Don't you get any ideas.

Jack Tripper: And speaking of current events, did you read the big news in the paper this morning?
Chrissy: The May Company is having a huge sale on pantyhose.
Jack Tripper: Excuse me, Chrissy, that's not exactly a current event.
Chrissy: It is so, it's going on right now.

Diane McMillan: Janet, do you know what I do for a living?
Janet Wood Dawson: Of course I do! It's right here on your card in black and white. Diane McMillan, The Rapist.
Jack Tripper: That's therapist.
Janet's Father: She always did have trouble with her reading.

Janet Wood Dawson: Oh, no, no, no, no. Don't tell anybody you're a chef, okay?
Jack Tripper: Okay, mum's the word.
Janet Wood Dawson: Well, it's not that there's anything wrong with what you do, Jack. It's just that... everybody here looks so important and we want to make a good impression. Well, you understand, don't you?
Jack Tripper: Of course, pumpkin.
Janet Wood Dawson: Oh, thanks.
Jack Tripper: You're ashamed of me.

Larry: I just wanted to know if you wanted to spend an evening with a beautiful, young lady.
Jack Tripper: No thanks, pal. I'd rather spend an evening with Janet.

Terri: I just felt sorry for you.
Jack Tripper: Sorry for me? Why would anybody feel sorry for me?
Janet Wood Dawson: Oh, lots of reasons.

Jack Tripper: Larry, haven't you ever thought of telling a girl the truth?
Larry: Well, I figure, anyone who gets up an hour early to put on eyeliner, fake eyelashes, and plastic nails isn't someone who wants to hear the truth.

Chrissy: Jack, that smells good.
Jack Tripper: Chrissy, I haven't even started cooking yet.
Chrissy: Well, you better hurry up and start cooking so you can catch up with the smell.