Quotes from Jim Belushi movies and TV shows

Bernie: I stole it.
Danny: You did not.
Bernie: Oh, that's great, Dan. I tell you I'm a thief and you call me a liar.

Bernie: Interesting broad. Where'd she develop her personality? A car crash?

Bernie: You know what your problem is? Your face. Come on, you're too good-looking. Girls go out with you and get nervous. They feel dumpy, they don't want to compete. They want a guy like... like me. A guy who'll make them look good. A basic Neanderthal type. The swarthy type. A man's man.

Bernie: Was that the chick from last night?
Danny: Yeah, I picked up the phone and she was already on the line.
Bernie: Yeah, right. Pull this leg and it plays jingle bells.

Bernie: You don't go here. You don't go there. You're about as much fun as a stick.

Bernie: What do you do?
Joan: Me?
Bernie: Well, yeah for a living?
Joan: I'm a neurosurgeon, you?
Bernie: I'm a prizefighter. Do you know much about boxing?
Joan: No.
Bernie: I'm the heavyweight champion of the world.

Jim: OK, I stacked the cat in the freezer.

Cheryl: Jim, are you listening to yourself?
Jim: Yes I am, Cheryl. I am a genius. I can talk and listen to myself at the same time.

Jim: Everyone, circumcise your watches.

Kyle: I want a sponge bath, from a nurse.
Cheryl: What?
Kyle: Uncle Andy says they're the best.
Jim: I think sometimes Andy forgets that Kyle's in the back seat.

Jim: You don't even know me any more! I think we should have more sex.
Cheryl: Why?
Jim: Why not?

Cheryl: Jim, there's a lot of culture in this city. We should take advantage of it.
Jim: What? I take you to the zoo.

Grey Ellison: Want us to walk you inside?
Curly Sue: No, I got it, but thanks for asking.
Bill Dancer: Give us a kiss.
Curly Sue: Please, we're in public.
Bill Dancer: Good luck.

Bill Dancer: You can cry and not feel sad, just like you can feel sad and not cry.

Curly Sue: And if she doesn't come out - We freeze our nuts off.
Bill Dancer: You don't have any nuts to freeze off, honey.

Bill Dancer: I'm not her father. I met her mother one night in a bar. Some people get VD from a one-night stand, I got a baby.

Dooley: Alright, let's get one thing straight: The woman is mine! Now we're both members of the animal kingdom. You know that and I know that. And we both know that this thing is really primal. So if you think you're such a badass you just try that one more time and you're gonna end up in a pet cemetary! You remember the movie Old Yeller? You remember when they shot him in the end? I didn't cry! Now come on.

Lyman: Dooley, what is it about me that makes you so passionate?
Dooley: Well, it's not your looks, Lyman. I guess it's your job.
Lyman: And knowing your methods of law enforcement, I don't suppose that you have a search warrant?
Dooley: Dog ate it. You can hang around his tail for an hour.

Victor Duncan: Why don't you do yourself a favor and go back to your white-bread, suburban, cesspool land while you still have a chance?
Rick Latimer: I can't.

Victor Duncan: If you're trying to reach me, I'll just cut your hand off.
Rick Latimer: I've got another one.