Quotes from Jason Bateman movies and TV shows - page 2 of 3

Detective Hagan: You wanna explain why you were speeding?
Nick Hendricks: I was drag racing.
Detective Hagan: In a Prius?
Nick Hendricks: I don't win a lot.

Diana: Ugh, my neck!
Sandy: Neck hurts, huh? Why don't we swap information, Sandy Bigelow Patterson. Bigelow's such a rare name.
Diana: It's a family name. Jeremiah Bigelow was a pretty well known bear hunter.
Sandy: He sounds brave. Here's my driver's license with my name, Sandy Bigelow Patterson. Gotcha!

Sandy Patterson: Friends don't steal friends' identities, do they?

Sandy Patterson: You're diabolical.
Diana: Thank you.
Sandy Patterson: That's not a compliment.
Diana: I know.

Vanessa Loring: You think you're really going to do this?
Juno MacGuff: Yea, if I could just have the thing and give it to you now, I totally would. But I'm guessing it looks probably like a sea monkey right now and we should let it get a little cuter.
Vanessa Loring: That's great.
Mark Loring: Keep it in the oven.

Vanessa Loring: So... How are we going to do this?
Juno MacGuff: Uh, aren't I just gonna, ya know, squeeze it out and, hand it over to you?
Gerta Rauss: Mark and Vanessa are willing to negotiate an open adoption...
Mac MacGuff: What do you mean?
Juno MacGuff: Wait... No! I mean, can't we just, like, kick this old school? Like, I have the baby, put it in a basket and send it your way, like, Moses and the reeds?
Mark Loring: Technically, that would be kicking it Old Testament.
Gerta Rauss: ...So, we all agree that a closed adoption is the best decision for all involved?
Juno MacGuff: SSHHIT! YES! Close it up!

Adam Leavitt: Sir, not to beat a dead horse, but if there was ever a time for us to put boots on Saudi sand, I mean, don't you think this is it?
Janet Mayes: There's no way, Adam. They will never allow it.
Adam Leavitt: Then let's just ask.
Janet Mayes: The Saudi Royal Family cannot appear as if they're losing control. If they lose control of their country, lose control of the people, they risk losing control of the oil. And that's not going to happen.

Adam Leavitt: How many princes are there?
Colonel Faris Al Ghazi: Over five thousand.
Ronald Fleury: Does every prince get a palace this big?
Colonel Faris Al Ghazi: Some get bigger.
Adam Leavitt: And who pays for all this?
Grant Sykes: Exxon. Chevron. Shell.

Adam Leavitt: What are four people supposed to do over there in five days, anyways?
Grant Sykes: Weren't you the one that practically demanded we go this morning?
Adam Leavitt: Yeah, I didn't say I. I said FBI.

Colonel Faris Al Ghazi: You cannot touch evidence. Please leave it. You cannot question anyone without me present, touch a dead Muslim, or leave my sight at any time. Your safety is my primary concern.
Ronald Fleury: I thought your primary concern would be the investigation.
Colonel Faris Al Ghazi: And you would be mistaken.
Grant Sykes: I think this is one of those something happens to us, his head comes off kind of deals. You're our babysitter, right?
Adam Leavitt: We call that a babysitter.

Adam Leavitt: It's LEH-vitt, not Le' Vesque. I'm not a goddamn French-Canadian.

Agent Zoil: Motherfucking, titty-sucking two-balled bitch!

Wally Mars: Do you want to tell me about your new school?
Sebastian: Why?
Wally Mars: Because you're a kid and there's nothing else to talk about.

Kassie Larson: I'm in the market for semen, and.
Wally Mars: And?
Kassie Larson: I need you to help me find some.

Kassie Larson: Would you please not Wally this into a situation worse than it already is.
Wally Mars: Hang on, did you just use my name as a verb?

Wally Mars: I - - um, hijacked your pregnancy.

Leonard: You should go home, Wally.
Wally Mars: They are my home, Leonard.

Horry Callen: Brain injury. There are things I can't do.
Judd Altman: Like what?
Horry Callen: Like remember what the hell it is I can't do.

Penny Moore: You used to laugh at my jokes.
Judd Altman: No, I didn't.
Penny Moore: Yes, you did.
Judd Altman: Yes, I did, but your jokes used to be funnier.

Phillip Altman: Dad was a stoner?
Judd Altman: No, it was probably medicinal.
Phillip Altman: It always is.