Quotes from Groucho Marx movies and TV shows - page 3 of 5

Rufus T. Firefly: Chicolini, give me a number from one to ten.
Chicolini: Eleven.
Rufus T. Firefly: Right.

Rufus T. Firefly: Well, maybe I am a little headstrong. But, I come by it honestly. My father was a little headstrong. My mother was a little armstrong. The headstrongs married the armstrongs and that's why darkies were born.

Bob Roland: Message from the front, sir.
Rufus T. Firefly: Oh, I'm sick of messages from the front. Don't we ever get a message from the side? - What is it?
Bob Roland: General Smith reports a gas attack. He wants to know what to do.
Rufus T. Firefly: Tell him to take a teaspoonful of bicarbonate baking soda and a half a glass of water.

Rufus T. Firefly: Go, and never darken my towels again.

Rufus T. Firefly: There goes my gun. Run out and get that like a good girl.

S. Quentin Quale: There's only one law in the west: the law of blood and bullets. It's either shoot or be shot. What are we gonna do?
Joseph Panello: Sue 'em.

S. Quentin Quale: I was going to thrash them within an inch of their lives, but I didn't have a tape measure.

S. Quentin Quale: You love your brother, don't you?
Joseph Panello: No, but I'm used to him.

S. Quentin Quale: Lulubelle, it's you! I didn't recognize you standing up.

S. Quentin Quale: Time wounds all heels.

Joseph Panello: My father-a shot the Indians in eighteen forty-two.
S. Quentin Quale: Oh, he should-a shot the stork-a, when the stork-a brought-a you.

Red Baxter: I don't like your faces.
S. Quentin Quale: I suppose you think we like 'em.

Groucho: Nice old piece of melodrama, kidnapping a girl. You've been reading too many dime novels.

Groucho: Sorry, I can't stay. The captain's waiting to chase me.

Groucho: Oh no, you're not gonna get me off this bed.
Lucille: I didn't know you were a lawyer. You're awfully shy for a lawyer.
Groucho: You bet I'm shy. I'm a shyster lawyer.

Groucho: You call this a party? The beer is warm, the women cold and I'm hot under the collar.

Chico: What's the matter with me? I'm hungry. I didn't eat in three days.
Groucho: Three days? We've only been on the boat two days.
Chico: I didn't eat yesterday, I didn't eat today, and I'm not gonna eat tomorrow. That makes a three days.

Chico: My father was-a partner's with Columbus.
Groucho: Your father and Columbus were partners?
Chico: You bet.
Groucho: Columbus has been dead 400 years.
Chico: Well, they told me it was my father.

Madame Swempski: I don't like this innuendo.
Groucho: That's what I always say: love flies out the door when money comes innuendo.

Groucho: This program is coming to you through the courtesy of the Golden Goose Furniture Company with three stores, 125th street, 125th street and 125th street. You furnish the girl, we tar and feather your nest.