Monkey Business (1931)

Groucho: With a little study you'll go a long ways, and I wish you'd start now.

Chico: My father was-a partner's with Columbus.
Groucho: Your father and Columbus were partners?
Chico: You bet.
Groucho: Columbus has been dead 400 years.
Chico: Well, they told me it was my father.

Groucho: If this is the Captain, I'm gonna have a few words with him. My hot water's been cold for three days. And I haven't got room enough in here to swing a cat. In fact, I haven't even got a cat.

Chico: Mustard's no good without roast beef.

Captain Corcoran: Stockholders, huh? Well, you look like a couple of stowaways to me.
Groucho: Well, don't forget, my fine fellow, that the stockholder of yesteryear is the stowaway of today.

Madame Swempski: I don't like this innuendo.
Groucho: That's what I always say: love flies out the door when money comes innuendo.

Groucho: And you can say it was a real love match. We married for money.
Madame Swempski: Oh, you impudent cad.
Groucho: Eh, my shrinking violet? Say, it wouldn't hurt you to shrink thirty or forty pounds.
Madame Swempski: I'll report you to your paper.
Groucho: I'll thank you to let me do the reporting. Is it true you're getting a divorce as soon as your husband recovers his eyesight? Is it true you wash your hair in clam broth? Is it true you used to dance in a flea circus?

Groucho: Nice old piece of melodrama, kidnapping a girl. You've been reading too many dime novels.

Groucho: This program is coming to you through the courtesy of the Golden Goose Furniture Company with three stores, 125th street, 125th street and 125th street. You furnish the girl, we tar and feather your nest.

Groucho: I'm just trying to sneak off the boat, that's all.

Waiter: Would you like to have anything before lunch?
Chico: Yes, breakfast.

Zeppo: Everybody seems to be having nearly as much fun as I am.

Groucho: Sorry, I can't stay. The captain's waiting to chase me.

Cab Driver at Barn: That'll be $1.10.
Groucho: Here's a dollar, keep the change.
Cab Driver at Barn: But I said a dollar "ten".
Groucho: All right, give "me" the dollar, I'll keep the change.

Groucho: Oh no, you're not gonna get me off this bed.
Lucille: I didn't know you were a lawyer. You're awfully shy for a lawyer.
Groucho: You bet I'm shy. I'm a shyster lawyer.

Groucho: Oh, engineer? Will you tell them to stop the boat from rocking, I'm going to have lunch.

Manicurist: Do you want your nails trimmed long?
Chico: Oh, about an hour and a half. I got nothin' to do.

Lucille: But from the time he got the marriage license, I've led a dog's life.
Groucho: Are you sure he didn't get a dog's license?

Groucho: You call this a party? The beer is warm, the women cold and I'm hot under the collar.

Groucho: Are you the floorwalker of this ship? I want to register a complaint.
Captain Corcoran: Why? What's the matter?
Groucho: Matter enough. You know who sneaked into my stateroom at three o'clock this morning?
Captain Corcoran: Who did that?
Groucho: Nobody, and that's my complaint.