Quotes from Ben Stiller movies and TV shows

Reuben Feffer: Ahh... rat in the house.
Polly Prince: That's not a rat, that's my ferret.

Reuben Feffer: I know that I have a.013% chance of being hit by a car on my way home. Or a one in 46,000 chance of falling through a subway grate. So I try to manage that risk by avoiding danger and having a plan and knowing what my next move is. And I guess you don't exactly live your life that way. Yeah... which is great, but I'm not gonna ever be a dirty dancer, and I don't eat food with my hands, and I really like you, but I just don't think this is gonna work out.

Reuben Feffer: What did you do to her? Did you mess around with her oxygen tanks or something?
Claude: I did nothing, Luban.
Reuben Feffer: My name is not Luban! It is Reuben.
Claude: Look, look we had a scuba, we drink some white wine, we talk about life and we cannot help it. It is like love at first sight. She make like the fire in my trouser.

Sandy Lyle: Check out her expression - she's terrified.
Reuben Feffer: She's smiling.
Sandy Lyle: I'm a student of acting, Ruben - she's fakin' it. The woman got spooked, she needed to explore, which is exactly what you're gonna do - you've been given the gift of freedom, don't turn you back on that.
Reuben Feffer: I don't want freedom, Sandy, I wanna be married.

Reuben Feffer: Since we have been together I have felt more uncomfortable, out of place, embarassed, and just physically sick then I have in my entire life. But I could not have gone through that, I could not have thrown up 19 times in 48 days if I was not in love with you.

Reuben Feffer: You don't know what it was like for me growing up. I had a mother who made me afraid of everything.
Polly Prince: Well, big deal, Reuben, my dad had a whole second family.
Reuben Feffer: What?
Polly Prince: Yeah, on Long Island. He had a wife, and kids, and a golden retriever.

Sandy Lyle: Reuben, I'm in a situation here. We have to leave now.
Reuben Feffer: No. Can we stay a couple more minutes?
Sandy Lyle: Dude, no. This is serious. I just sharted.
Reuben Feffer: I don't know what that means.
Sandy Lyle: I tried to fart and a little shit came out. I just sharted. Now let's go.
Reuben Feffer: You're the most disgusting person I've ever met in my life.

Reuben Feffer: You know, they really should tell you if they're gonna just let Komodo dragons run loose around the hotel.

White Goodman: Nobody makes me bleed my own blood.

White Goodman: Here at Globo Gym we're better than you, and we know it.

White Goodman: Fuckin' Chuck Norris.

White Goodman: At Globo Gym we understand that "ugliness" and "fatness" are genetic disorders, much like baldness, or necrophilia.

Kate Veatch: That... Is a really interesting painting.
White Goodman: Thank you. Yeah, that's me taking a bull by the horns. It's how I handle business. It's a metaphor.
Kate Veach: I get it.
White Goodman: But that actually happened, though.

White Goodman: There's no reason we need to be shackled by the strictures of the employee-employer relationship. Unless you're into that sort of thing. In which case, I got some shackles in the back. I'm just kidding. But seriously, I've got 'em.

White Goodman: I'm white. I'm white. W-H-I-T. E.

White Goodman: Oh, I don't think I'm a lot dumber than you thought that I think that I think that I thought I was once.

Mrs. Connelly: Tell me about yourselves. What do you do Alan?
Alex Rose: Uh, it's Alex.
Nancy Kendricks: Alex is a writer.
Mrs. Connelly: Oh, a writer. I always thought of that as more of a hobby than a real job. I suppose I'm forgetting about Joyce.
Alex Rose: Joyce. James Joyce. Of course. Wonderful writer.
Mrs. Connelly: He died drunk and penniless.

Nancy Kendricks: Do you realise how much the duplex is going to be worth once we get both floors?
Alex Rose: I know how much it costs.
Nancy Kendricks: Well it's going to be worth a bazillion times that.
Alex Rose: Really? A bazillion? That's an incredible return.

Alex Rose: So Chick, how much is this gonna set us back?
Chick: 25K.
Alex Rose: Okay, 'cause we had had a slightly different figure in our heads. We were thinking of something a little closer to like half a K.

Florence Marr: I just got out of a long relationship and I don't want to go from just having sex to just having sex to just having sex.
Roger Greenberg: Who's the third 'just having sex'?
Florence Marr: You. If we had sex.