Newscaster: The popcorn you are eating has been pissed in. Film at eleven.
Narrator: More offensive than "Mandingo." More shocking than "Behind the Green Door." More erotic than "Deep Throat." You will cream in your jeans when you see "Catholic High School Girls in Trouble."
Henry Gibson: In the past year, over 800,000 Americans have died. Despite millions of dollars of research, death continues to be our nation's number one killer.
Pennington: These are the Hartz Mountains of Asia. A terrain so rugged, so treacherous, no country will claim it.
Asquith: Worse then Detroit?
Pennington: I'm afraid so.
Narrator: Never before has the beauty of the sexual act been so crassly exploited.
Game Show Announcer: Guard number one is a senior on Klahn's mountain, and aspires to be a research chemist. Welcome, please, Hung Well! Guard number two is a real skating buff. A warm welcome for Long Wang! Traveling comes naturally to guard number three, as he's a licensed airplane pilot. Welcome, please, Enormous Genitals.
Game Show Host: If I were asleep, and you were my alarm clock, how would you wake me up?
Guard #2: I wouldn't - I'm no ding-a-ling.
Pennington: This is Butkus, Klahn's bodyguard. He is tough and ruthless. This is Kwong, Klahn's chauffeur. He is rough and toothless.
Narrator: Brutal! Savage! Beyond Perversion.
Argon Spokesman: At Argon, we're working to keep your money.
Dr. Klahn: No! Not water! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ohhh! I'm melting! I'm melting! What a world, what a world! It was a fighting force of extraordinary magnitude.
Loo: You can always look for happiness, but there is really no need to look past your own front door. There are plenty of things that you can do right here in your own community. You can visit a dairy and see how milk is handled and prepared for delivery. Or plan a series of window displays on home safety. Or help start a library. Or discuss with your dentist what you can do to make your teeth more attractive.
A.M. Newscaster: It's 19 minutes after the hour, and now it's time for our daily feature The Astrological Hour. A quick reminder: these reports are not intended to foster belief in astrology, but merely to support people who cannot take responsibility for their own lives.
Answer: Detroit has long been notorious for its high crime, high unemployment, and urban blight. It's just a joke about how it's not a very pleasant place to be. Heck, the city motto is 'We hope for better things' and 'It will rise from the ashes.'
Brian Katcher