Johnny Dangerously: The name's Dangerously. Johnny Dangerously.
Lil: Did you know you're last name is an adverb?
Tommy Kelly: You were gonna take a bullet for me.
Johnny Kelly: Actually, I was just counting on a lot of missing.
Ma Kelly: I love him, but someday I'm gonna knock him on his ass.
Roman Moroni: This is fargin war.
Johnny Dangerously: The years hadn't softened Moronie. He continued to murder the English Language, and anyone who got in his way.
D.A. Burr: (On Johnny Dangerously's payroll) Why don't you ease into the job, by taking a vacation?
Tommy Kelly: But what about crime?
D.A. Burr: Don't worry. It'll still be here when you get back.
Johnny Kelly: Hi Dr. Magnus. How's my mother?
Dr. Magnus: It's her thyroid, Johnny.
Johnny Kelly: What's wrong with it?
Dr. Magnus: We can't find it. Gonna have to do a thyroid search.
Johnny Kelly: How much is that gonna cost?
Dr. Magnus: You're in luck. This week a special. $999 dollars.
Lil: And shelf paper! Oh, Johnny, I love shelf paper.
