Danny Vermin: I enjoy collecting protection money, putting whores to work, loan-sharking. I enjoy planting bombs in people's cars. These are a few of my favorite things.
Johnny Dangerously: You know, Danny, I think you get too much sugar in your diet.
Danny Vermin: Dames are put on this Earth to weaken us, drain our energy, laugh at us when they see us naked.
Mr. Dundee: All we want is Moronie's money. Go ahead, kid.
Roman Moronie: You fargin sneaky bastige! I gonna take your dwork and I gonna nail it to the wall! I gonna crush your boils in a meat grinder! I gonna cut off your arms! I gonna shove 'em up your icehole! Dirty sum un a batch! My own club!
Ma Kelly: The Lower East Side. This really sucks.
Danny Vermin: You shouldn't have shot me, Johnny. My grandmother shot me once.
Danny Vermin: You shouldn't hang me on a hook, Johnny. My father hung me on a hook once. Once.
Chorus Girl: I'm not wearing a bra, Johnny.
Johnny Dangerously: Yeah? Well that makes two of us.
Tommy Kelly: Oh God! How do you get laid in 1930?
Johnny Dangerously: Hey Pope, why don't you go build yourself a new gym at the Vatican.
Newspaper Headline: Roman Moroni Deported to Sweden. Says He's Not From There.
Desk Sergeant: Calling all cars. Calling all cars. Be on the look out for... now listen to this: Dangerously and accomplices dressed as nuns driving a sedan covered with... oh you'll love this... duckies and bunnies.
Desk Sergeant: Calling all cars. Calling all cars. Come to Dooley's bar and grill. I'm buyin'.
Young Johnny: Dr. Magnus, how's my mother?
Dr. Magnus: It's her pancreas again, Johnny. She's gonna need an operation immediately.
Young Johnny: How much is it gonna cost?
Dr. Magnus: $49.95.
Young Johnny: $49.95?
Dr. Magnus: This week only.
Young Johnny: Where am I gonna get that kind of money?
Dr. Magnus: Why don't you knock over a gas station?
Danny Vermin: You shouldn't grab me, Johnny. My mother grabbed me once... once.
Johnny Dangerously: I never should have picked a name like that. A name like that you gotta live up to. What's your last name?
Hood: Binzerhoff.
Johnny Dangerously: Binzerhoff? Perfect. Keep that name and you'll stay out of trouble.
Johnny Kelly: Say kid, what do they call you?
Lil: Impressive.
Tommy Kelly: Sally's place is in the home and I intend to support her and I'll do anything - shine boots, drive a hack, blow glass. Anything.
Johnny Dangerously: Alright here it is. Johnny Dangerously is going legit.
Member of Dundee's gang: Le-what?
Johnny Dangerously: Legit.
Charley: Le-why?
Danny Vermin: I'll tell you le-why. Because Johnny Dangerously is really Johnny Kelly, brother of the D.A., Tommy Kelly.
Roman Moroni: Why you miserable cork-soaker.
Ma Kelly: Bless the saints, it's an ashtray! I've been thinking of taking up smoking. This clinches it.
