Hamilton "Ham" Johnson: So tragic when this happens to somebody so young and healthy. Was she feeling all right last night?
Fletch: She felt great to me.
Calculus Entropy: Should I be doing anything?
Fletch: No, not really, um... as soon as you get that trunk upstairs and have finished your nap I guess you could fix that step and jump down, turn around and pick a bale of cotton. And while I'm gone see to it Miss Scarlet stays away from the Union army will you?
Fletch: What do you mean, toxic waste?
Frank: Well, it's some special stuff. There's only eleven places in the country that makes this shit.
Fletch: Where?.. Frank, just give me the ones that aren't in New Jersey.
Frank: Uh, there's only one.
Fletch: It takes a big man to admit when he's wrong. I am not a big man.
KKK Leader: Folks ain't home. Cross won't burn. Hell, it ain't like it used to be.
Fletch: What can I do to y - for you?
Jimmy Lee Farnsworth: Irwin, admit that you are a sinner.
Fletch: Uh. Well, I've sinned. I didn't take any Polaroids or anything. But, yeah, I've sinned.
Jimmy Lee Farnsworth: The Lord forgives ya.
Fletch: Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you. Thank you. Amen. What? Other sins? Uh, I parked in a handicap spot on my way up here. Actually, on a handicap person. I told him I'd be back in five minutes, so that's not such a big deal.
Calculus Entropy: Our families go back for hundreds of years - your great-grandparents owned my great-grandparents and that's how it all started.
Fletch: You ever heard of the Emancipation Proclamation?
Calculus Entropy: Well I heard something about it, but I don't recall exactly. It didn't get too much publicity around these here parts.
Fletch: I'll bet.
Fletch: Becky was a good girl and didn't need to be spanked... dammit.
Fletch: I borrowed your toothbrush. I would have used your razor but it looks like you've been doing some gardening with it.
Ben Dover: Take your pants off.
Fletch: I don't even know your name.
Ben Dover: Bend over.
Fletch: Ben? Nice to meet you, Victor Hugo.
