Oscar Madison: Don't threaten me with jail, Blanche, because it's not a threat. With my expenses and my alimony, a prisoner takes home more pay than I do.
Gwendolyn Pigeon: I'm sorry, I've forgotten your name.
Felix Ungar: Felix.
Gwendolyn Pigeon: Oh, right, Felix.
Cecily Pigeon: Like the cat.
Gwendolyn Pigeon: Oh, well, the Pigeon sisters had better beware of the cat.
Felix Ungar: Walk on the paper, will you? I washed the floor in there.
Felix Ungar: I think I'm crazy.
Oscar Madison: If it makes you feel any better, I think so too.
Murray: A whole bottle of pills! My God, get an ambulance.
Oscar Madison: Wait a minute, will ya? We don't even know what kind.
Murray: What difference does it make? He took a whole bottle.
Oscar Madison: Well, maybe they were vitamins! He could be the healthiest one in the room.
Felix Ungar: I'm a neurotic nut, but you're crazy.
Cecily Pigeon: I'm divorced. Well, technically I'm a widow. I was getting divorced but he died before the final papers came through.
Felix Ungar: I put order in this house. For the first time in months, you're saving money. You're sleeping on clean sheets. You're eating hot meals for a change and I did it.
Oscar Madison: Yes, that's right. And then at night after we've had your halibut steak and your tartar sauce, I have to spend the rest of the evening watching you Saran Wrap the leftovers.
