Oscar Madison: I can't take it anymore, Felix, I'm cracking up. Everything you do irritates me. And when you're not here, the things I know you're gonna do when you come in irritate me. You leave me little notes on my pillow. Told you 158 times I can't stand little notes on my pillow. "We're all out of cornflakes. F.U." Took me three hours to figure out F.U. was Felix Ungar.
Felix Ungar: I'll be in the way.
Gwendolyn Pigeon: How could you possibly be in anyone's way?
Oscar Madison: You want to see a typewritten list?
Gwendolyn Pigeon: Oh, haven't you said enough already?
Felix Ungar: In other words, you're throwin' me out.
Oscar Madison: Not in other words. Those are the perfect ones.
Oscar Madison: Don't come to me with your petty problems. You get this one stinkin' night a week. I'm cooped up here with Mary Poppins 24 hours a day.
Oscar Madison: Wait a minute, you're not going anywhere until you take it back.
Felix Ungar: Take what back?
Oscar Madison: "Let it be on your head." What the hell is that, the Curse of the Cat People?
Vinnie: If you need me, I'll be at the Meridian Motel in Miami Beach.
Oscar Madison: You'll be the first one I call, Vinnie.
Oscar Madison: I know him. He'll kill himself just to spite me. Then his ghost will come back, following me around the apartment, haunting and cleaning, haunting and cleaning, haunting and cleaning.
Vinnie: I thought he looked edgy the last couple of weeks. Don't you think he looked edgy?
Speed: No, as a matter of fact, I thought you looked edgy.
Murray: What happened to the apartment?
Oscar Madison: It's been given the Good Housekeeping Seal of Approval.
Oscar Madison: Murray, I'll give you $200 for your gun.
Oscar Madison: Getting a clear picture on Channel 2 is not my idea of whoopee.
Oscar Madison: Felix, I'd like you to meet two elevator acquaintances of mine. Gwendolyn and Cecily.
Cecily Pigeon: No, Cecily and Gwendolyn.
Oscar Madison: Oh, Terribly sorry, Cecily and Gwendolyn. Eh, don't tell me. Eh, Robin? No, Cardinal?
Gwendolyn Pigeon: No, Wrong both times, It's Pigeon.
Oscar Madison: Cecily and Gwendolyn Pigeon, The Pigeon sisters.
Gwendolyn Pigeon: Or as our friends at Chelsea use to call us, the Cuckoo Pigeon sisters.
Oscar Madison: Don't point that finger at me unless you intend to use it.
Roy: What if he's lying in a gutter somewhere? Who would know who he is?
Oscar Madison: He's got 92 credit cards in his wallet. The minute something happens to him, America lights up.
Murray: Hey, did you know Felix was once locked in a john overnight? He wrote out his entire will on half a roll of toilet paper. What a nut.
Oscar Madison: You can't spend the rest of your life crying. It annoys people in the movies.
Oscar Madison: You did a great job, Felix. One little suggestion: let's come down a little bit with the lights, and up very softly with the music, huh? Hey, do you think Mozart goes good with meatloaf?
Oscar Madison: It takes two to make a rotten mariage.
Oscar Madison: Why doesn't he hear me? I know I'm talking. I recognize my voice.
Cop in squad car: Hey, what are you doing, Murray?
Murray: Off-duty arrest. Caught them gambling.
