Vicki Summers: Tyson wanted to come here tonight and I was like, "Oh my God, no," but here we are. So, you win, Tyson.
Chris Briggs: So, you didn't see my post about it, or anything?
Vicki Summers: No, I don't go on your stupid Twitter. Which, by the way, has lost three more followers today.
Vicki Summers: Nancy, you can't be the final girl. It's not in your DNA, or whatever. You're the shy girl with the clipboard and the guitar. You get laid and then you die. You're just part of the body count. No offense.
Nancy: I should have known something was up with this place. I mean think about it. What the hell kind of summer camp has waterbeds?
Nancy: What does that tattoo mean?
Kurt: It was given to me in juvie. I was caught stealing cherries. I'm a... I'm a cherry thief.
Kurt: By the way, what's with you and Max? Are you guys having sex? Because if not, I wouldn't mind bench pressing her with my dumbbell.
Chris Briggs: Listen, brah, you're not bench pressing anyone with your dumbbell! If I so much as hear your dumbbell took a Pilates class.
Kurt: What?
Chris Briggs: I'm gonna cut it off.
Duncan: What did you pack, Tina?
Tina: The basics. Bikini, mouthwash, diaphragm.
Gertie Michaels: She's probably gonna pee on him just to mark her territory.
Nancy: You were right about one thing, you know?
Max Cartwright: What?
Nancy: I'm a movie star.
Gertie Michaels: You know that Chris broke up with Vicki last week, right? And she is a mess! Have you seen the veiled suicide note/poem she posted on her Facebook page? It's so hilarious! I read it out loud to myself. A lot.
Nancy: I can't believe they're all dead.
Vicki Summers: They were never alive! They weren't real. Neither are you because this is just a movie.
Blake: So wait, is new wave real?
Gertie Michaels: Yeah. Yeah, of course.
Blake: But I'M not real?
Gertie Michaels: You're only real in the movie. So yeah, you're real here.
Blake: Oh, cool.
Max Cartwright: Gertie, you're a virgin.
Gertie Michaels: No. Well, not anymore. Last summer with that guy, Jerry. He had like the weird mustache and he, like, winked. Remember?
Vicki Summers: Isn't he autistic?
Gertie Michaels: Yeah. Yeah. He is. But he was also very romantic.
Max Cartwright: You shouldn't have sex.
Nancy: Why?
Max Cartwright: Because I heard that sex can kill you.
Trailer Voice-Over: They won't be singing Kumbaya... they'll be screaming Kumba-no.
Duncan: Camp Bloodbath is like the granddaddy of all campsite slasher films, okay. Amazing production design, insane music, over-the-top acting. It's a cult classic.
Gertie Michaels: Hey, just keep on keepin' on.
Max Cartwright: What does that even mean?
Gertie Michaels: It's something my therapist tells me all the time.
Max Cartwright: You have a therapist?
Gertie Michaels: Mmm-hmm.
Max Cartwright: Does it help you deal?
Gertie Michaels: No, not really. She's a physical therapist, so.
Vicki Summers: I can't believe we're just gonna casually watch someone get murdered. What is this, Detroit?
Vicki Summers: Gertie, I'm sorry for that time in junior high when I told everyone to start calling you Ba-Chunk-a-Dunk, and then I covered your locker in bacon. That was so crappy and I'm so sorry! I'm such a bad person.
Gertie Michaels: You're not, it's okay. If it makes you feel better, last summer I'm the one who spread the rumor that said you had a weird disease where you were always on your period.
Vicki Summers: Wow, that's evil.
Gertie Michaels: Thank you.
Nancy: Paula, you're just in time to start setting up for the slumber party.
Kurt: Yeah, we took a vote and you get to share my sleeping bag.
Paula: Thanks, Kurt, but I'm saving myself for someone who doesn't have a needle dick.
Kurt: Yeah, right. It's like a hammer... dick, if anything. It's a sledgehammer.
Max Cartwright: We will pick this up again. Is that understood? In the meantime, just stay away from Kurt... and keep your shorts on.
