Wullie: You look like a haunted tree.
Carson Welch: The future isn't just something that happens. It's a brutal force with a great sense of humor that will steamroll you if you're not watching.
Mal: The strength of evil is good as none when stands before four hearts as one.
Mr. Green: We both know Miley was flawless.
Scarlett Overkill: Do you know who this is?
Kevin the Minion: Uh... La cucaracha?
Scarlett Overkill: This is Queen Elizabeth! Ruler of England! And I really, really, really want her crown.
Comic: So first, we need a historical event. Who's got an event?
Ted: 9/11!
Comic: Oh oh, okay. Okay, maybe something else. Uh, let's start with a person.
John: Robin Williams!
Comic: Okay, all right. For real, guys, for real. Who's got a person?
Ted: Robin Williams on 9/11!
Comic: Alright, we've heard from these guys, uh, let's maybe give somebody else over here a chance. How about a location? Let's go with a location.
Ted: The offices of Charlie Hebdo!
Comic: Okay seriously, sir, I just need a location.
John: Ferguson, Missouri!
Ted: Germanwings cockpit!
Comic: Okay, I heard Starbucks!
Ted: No you didn't!
John: Nobody said Starbucks.
Comic: Alright, Starbucks! Okay now, who's in the Starbucks?
Ted: Bill Cosby.
Napoleon Solo: He's trying. To stop. The car.
Gaby Teller: We're struggling here. Why don't you take a shot at him?
Napoleon Solo: Somehow, it just doesn't seem like the right thing to do.
Maya Blart: Look, Dad, you're going to have to get use to the idea that I'm a big girl now.
Paul Blart: Ok, first of all, we're all big. We're Blarts. Wide hips, thick ankles, and a low center of gravity. That's how the good Lord made us. That's why we're no good at running hurdles. Never will be.
Lily: You're the ogre.
Adam Jones: Yes. But I bake great cakes.
David: I'm going to do it with a knife.
Short Sighted Woman: Do you want me to come with you?
David: I'd rather you didn't.
Short Sighted Woman: Don't worry. It's strange at first but then you'll get used to it. The other senses are heightened, touch for example, and hearing.
David: I know... I won't be long.
Evelyn Greenslade: I don't know why I tell you anything.
Muriel Donnelly: Because I'm older and wiser.
Evelyn Greenslade: Nineteen days older.
Muriel Donnelly: That's the entire lifespan of a wasp.
Madison Morgan: What the shit?
Kevin Griswold: There was a hole in the side of my stall.
Rusty Griswold: Sounds like you found yourself a glory hole.
Eric Murphy: We can't finish the movie without money.
Ari Gold: Really? Because I thought we could finish it with Fruit Loops.
Eric Murphy: You're funny. But did you tell Vince, because he's on his way to editing.
Ari Gold: I'm telling you. Because it is your job, along with going over budget and being short, to tell him these things.
Abe: I'm Abe Lucas and I've murdered. I've had many experiences and now a unique one. I've taken a human life. Not in battle or self defense, but I made a choice I believed in and saw it through. I feel like an authentic human being.
Neil Clarke: I don't think I like your conversation.
Dennis: But I worship you, master! I love you so much! I can't bear displeasing you! My whole world collapses when you're cross with me.
Ben: All right, scouts. Let's kick some zombie ass.
Dan Trunkman: The first rule is, show the client a good time. The second rule, forget all the other rules.
Rachel: I'm ugly, Greg! Everyone feels like they have to lie to me and no-one realises how insulting that is. Everyone thinks they're helping, and they're not."