Oglethorpe: The only thing bull semen has ever done for me is activate my gag reflex.
Captain Shakespeare: I'm taking the girl to my cabin, and mark my words anyone who disturbs me for the next few hours will get the same treatment.
Skinny Pirate: What? You'll.
Captain Shakespeare: No, you idiot. I'll sling you over the side as well.
Pat Garret: Newton, life is like a penis. When it's hard you get screwed. When it's soft you can't beat it.
Mr. Edward Magorium: I've been inventing toys since the 1770's.
Henry Weston: What, excuse me.
Mr. Edward Magorium: Yes?
Henry Weston: You say 1770's?
Mr. Edward Magorium: Yes, sir, so you can imagine accounting is a brand new concept to me.
Henry Weston: You know, that would make you at least 240 years old, sir.
Mr. Edward Magorium: You're already hired, mutant, there's no need to show off.
Rafe: And the thing about romantics is, we never give up.
King: I trust you son, it's the talking mice I'm worried about!
Will Stanton: It's so... and ya know, and I'm like... this whole thing's just... arrr, you know.
Merriman Lyon: Is that it?
Asian Woman: Don't bury dead. First shoot in head.
Linda Hanson: Something is seriously fucked up.