Mr. Blick: The Kraken ate my tail.
Valerie Cherish: Instead of the barbeque line I could say, "If I let you have the puppies I'll have to let weird old Mr. Schmidt have a SATAN flag!" See, that's good, because everybody hates Satan.
Grandpa Max Tennyson: Being a hero isn't about letting others know you did the right thing, it's about you knowing you did the right thing.
Ben Tennyson: What were you just doing, reading greeting cards back at the Mega Mart?
Grandpa Max Tennyson: Well... yes.
Chef Ramsay: I'm done! You, you, you, you, you fuck off... GET OUT.
Marni Fliss: If you have baggage, I want to know about it.
Nate Solomon: If? Have you MET me?
Sister Josepha Montefiore: "Father, why hast thou forsaken me?" Christ asked the same question.
Richard: Did he get an answer?
Sister Josepha Montefiore: Well, he wasn't a scientist so he knew that... some questions have none.
Red Lance: You... read all these books?
Voices That Carry: There's much to learn from them.
Red Lance: What good is this knowledge?
Voices That Carry: You have many questions Red Lance, but you have no desire to hear the answers.
Red Lance: And you do not wish to learn.
Voices That Carry: I've told you. The Ghost Dance is only superstition. Spirits can't help our people. Only we can do that for ourselves.
Red Lance: You do not have ears. You will not listen.
Danny: But I thought you had to pee.
Anne Sorelli: My anger absorbed it. Outside, now.
Theme: It used to be my mother and my sister and me, a happy little family, and all right with me. When mom got married, that's when everything changed. Some things were lost, and others were gained. A new school, a new house, so many changes it makes my head spin. Now I've got a brother who gets under my skin. This is life with Derek. This is life with Derek. This is life with Lizzie, Edwin, George, Nora, Marti, and Casey. This is life with Derek. Livin' life with Derek.
Security Guard: Excuse me? What're you doing?
Charlie Eppes: Simple experiment. It's a pendulum.
Security Guard: Sir, you and the pendulum need to leave.
Charlie Eppes: Okay. It drew an ellipse.
Juniper Lee: You play bass, Dennis. It's a miracle anyone even notices you.
Mike Rowe: I don't see what can possibly go wrong.
Vanessa Dunphy: You're an asshole Mr. Howard. Five minutes from now I won't be yelling but you'll still be an asshole.
Dave: When I was a kid growing up, my father's philosophy was "Do as I say, not as I do." Well, when I became a parent, I swore I would do better with my kids. So my philosophy is, "Do as I say - not as I hope you don't know I do."
Grace Bridges: If Moses had been a woman, leading the Jews out of Egypt, she'd have stopped to ask for directions. They would've found Israel within a week.