Dudley Moore: Is my entire contribution to this show going to consist of my humiliating myself?
Peter Cook: No, Dudley. We'll do that for you.
Dudley Moore: Thank you. I wouldn't want to be appreciated or anything.
Peter Cook: Well, we initially tried looking up to you, Dudley... but when we did, we invariably found ourselves looking down.
Customer Muhammed: Terri... what you need is a real man. A Muslim man.
Ned Plimpton: Stevesy, what's going on? Are those hijackers?
Steve Zissou: Well, out here we call them "pirates," Ned.
Cole Porter: Why does Linda come back to Cole?
Linda Porter: Because he's Cary Grant. And she misses the music as do I.
Matt: The Antarctic 13,800.000 km2 square Km's of ICE. A continent of ICE. A place where no man had ever been until its 20th century.
María Álvarez: We have to get out of here.
Jack: Speak for yourself. I get chicks lookin' at me all the time. All ages. Dudes too.
Miles Raymond: Well, it's not worth it. You pay too big a price. It's never free.
Jack: You need to get laid, Miles. You know what? That's going to be my best man gift to you this week. I'm gonna get you laid.
Miles Raymond: Wonderful.
Jack: I'm not gonna get you a gift certificate or a pen knife or any of that other horse shit.
Miles Raymond: I'd rather have a knife.
Celine: Even being alone it's better than sitting next to your lover and feeling lonely.
Scott: "To catch a husband is an art. To hold him is a job." - Simone de Beauvoir.
Richard Wells: You think you can just open Pandora's box and close it again?
John Henry 'Jack' Armstrong: What is that?
Alex Guerrero: It's a turkey baster. You're not poking that thing inside me, I don't do dick.
Fatima Goodrich: Don't look at me, I want it the old fashioned way.
Sam: If you can't laugh at yourself, life is going to seem a whole lot longer than you'd like.
Mark Wiener: People always end up the way they started out. No one ever changes. They think they do, but they don't. If you're the depressed type now, that's the way you'll always be. If you're the mindless, happy type, that's the way you'll be when you grow up. You might lose some weight, your face might clear up, get a body tan, a breast enlargement, a sex change - makes no difference. Essentially... from in front, or from behind... whether you're thirteen or fifty, you'll always be the same.
Raymond Shaw: I served under him. He was a good man.
Eleanor Shaw: Well, that's what the neighbors always say about serial killers.
Pappass: If you make a wish and don't tell nobody, it could come true.
Manech (13 Years Old): Do I stink of fish?
Lizzie: Frankie wasn't born deaf. It was a present from his daddy.
Chuck Horner: Is your dad a squid?
Joey: No, sir. My mom.
Samuel Bicke: What about my rights?
Bonny Simmons: You got a right to be mad.