Max: Why are you doing this to me, Dad?
Goofy: 'Cause, I don't want you to end up in the electric chair.
Grandpa: As for what anybody else thinks, always remember these words and live by them: screw 'em.
He Zhiwu: They say that love can change a man. I start to find myself looking better and more charming, and suddenly I discover that I'm turning blonde.
Marko: We're all crazy, Natalija. We just haven't been diagnosed yet.
Chili Palmer: Harry, look at me. You're trying to tell me you fucked up without sounding stupid, and that's hard to do.
Marcus Burnett: You see what happens when you go off without me? You get into shit.
Mike Lowrey: Oh please, like shit don't happen when you're there.
Marcus Burnett: That - that ain't the point.
Capt. T.C. Doyle: You slept with the wife of General "Kill-'em-all-and-let-God-sort-them-out" Richardson?
David Poole: I thought it was his daughter.
Capt. T.C. Doyle: Oh yeah, he would've been fine with that.
Ralphie: You think you're hot shit, but you're really just cold diarrhea.
Kabral: The black guy always dies. Think about it, man. Unforgiven. Alien. Rocky IV. The Shining.
Roy: Star Trek II. Forrest Gump. Witness.
Bud: Annie Hall. Not Annie Hall.
Roy: No, Night of the Living Dead.
Bud: That's the one!
Kabral: And what about that brother in Jurassic Park, man?
Bud: There were two black guys who died in that one. That was a twofer. You must be really pissed off at that one.
George Banks: Mr Habeeb, this is not a piece of land. This is my home and I'm gonna be a father again and I don't want to bring my baby home to a condo on the beach! I wanna drive down that street and I wanna pull into this driveway and I wanna honk my horn.
Bernadine Harris: The worst thing is that he made me move out here where my children are in school with only one other black kid so they won't be improperly influenced. Well, guess what John, YOU'RE the motherfuckin' improper influence! Get your shit! Get your shit! And, get out.
Maria: Ox.
Max: Nag.
Ron Timmerman: I wash my balls religiously. I like 'em so clean you can just feel every dimple.
Kevin Franklin: Thank you for sharing that.
Ron: The cleaner the ball, the better the play. Especially when you pull out that wood. The quicker you get it into the hole with the least amount of strokes, the better, right?
Kevin: Are you trying to tell me something?
Ron: Let me wash your balls.
Grace: Emma Rae, I have a cookbook to put out, and a daughter to raise, and the God damn winter Grand Prix. And I just don't have time for the nervous breakdown I deserve, so please, don't ask me to stop and think.
Diane Barrows: It was there, I know it, that can't-eat, can't-sleep, reach-for-the-stars, over - the-fence, World Series kind of stuff.
High School Principal: Mr. Madison, what you've just said, is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response, were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.
Billy Madison: OK, a simple "wrong" would have done just fine.
Saul: Did you know I'm Peter's godfather?
Lucy: Really? I thought you had to be catholic for that.
Saul: Ox fudged it over. He donated 50 folding chairs to Father O'Shea's bingo night.
Greek Chorus Leader: Don't go any further. I know what you're thinking, Lenny, and forget it!
Lenny Weinrib: I can't forget it; the thought's been put in my head.
Chorus: Oh, cursed fate; certain thoughts are better left unthunk.