Dean Wormer: Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life.
Perry White: I want the name of this flying whatchamacallit to go with the Daily Planet like bacon and eggs, franks and beans, death and taxes, politics and corruption.
Marv Gomez: Dancing. Everything else is bullshit.
Mary Ann: He didn't mean any harm, Skipper.
Skipper: Neither did the iceberg that sunk the Titanic.
Sgt. Stedenko: The only kind of meat a priest could eat on Friday was nun.
General: You'd better bring a coat Mr. Richardson, there's a little Jap in the air.
Dr. Morrison: He means nip.
Sidney Cochran: One day when you're an antique I shall vote for you. I promise.
Cholla: You Philo Beddoe?
Philo Beddoe: Do I know you?
Cholla: You're gonna.
Doctor Watson: Where and at what time does the train leave for Baskerville?
Dr. Mortimer: Tomorrow, 12 o'clock, Victoria.
Doctor Watson: Oh no, you can call me John.
Joe Pendleton: We don't care how much it costs, just how much it makes. If it costs too much, we charge a penny more. Would you pay a penny to save a fish who thinks?
Kenneth W. Dantley, Jr.: 'Scuse me, uh, seventeen miles an hour?
Tico: Fifteen.
Kenneth W. Dantley, Jr.: On the in'erstate. What are ya doin', lookin' for a contact lens?
Tico: You patties crack me up. Still doin' your speed number, huh?
Kenneth W. Dantley, Jr.: Well what are you into, miles per gallon?
Tico: Class...we're into class.
Archie Macaw, Record Producer: Well, one day this rather odd chap hopped into the office. He'd been to see virtually everyone in the business and been shown the door. He asked to see MY door, but I wouldn't show it to him. Instead, he showed me the photographs and tapes of the Rutles. They were pretty rough, but they had something.
Narrator: What was it?
Archie Macaw, Record Producer: I think it was the trousers.
Maggie McKeown: That guard is still out there.
Paul Grogan: Fine, I need you to distract him.
Maggie McKeown: What for?
Paul Grogan: So I can get away.
Maggie McKeown: So you can get away? What about me?
Paul Grogan: Well suit yourself. Just come onto him, tell him what an admirer you are of Army or something like that.
Maggie McKeown: What if he's gay?
Paul Grogan: Then I'll go and distract him.
Jake - voice: My name is Zunar J 5 Slash 9 Doric 4 7.
Frank: Uh, Z-Zunar.
Jake - voice: ...Let's just stick with 'Jake', okay?
Emile Prevert: Why me? You could have Tom, Dick or Harry.
Emmannuelle Prevert: I don't want Tom or Harry.
Tony Carlson: I think we got off on the wrong foot.
Gloria Mundy: Yes, and it seems to be in your mouth.
Tony Carlson: OK, I deserve that. Listen, it's Gloria, right? You're a really nice girl and I'm a nice guy, and you're very pretty with or without cleavage, and what do you say... would you like to take a shower?
Gloria Mundy: I don't pick up strange men.
Tony Carlson: Well, that's your problem.
Gloria Mundy: So why don't you try it?
Guy Algo: Man, New York knows even better than the President of France. A man with which our entire world organization is familiar, and would like nothing better than to see him out of the way.
Man: Who?
Guy Algo: Who has given us nothing but trouble for the past ten years? Who has survived sixteen assassination attempts, including two by his own boss? Clouseau. You want to impress New York. Eliminate Clouseau.