Dean Wormer: Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life.
Melissa: Why do they call you the Duck?
Rubber Duck: Because it rhymes with "luck." See, my daddy always told me to be just like a duck. Stay smooth on the surface and paddle like the devil underneath.
Henry Moon: We was just sayin' how much we needed a figurine.
Marv Gomez: Dancing. Everything else is bullshit.
Sgt. Stedenko: The only kind of meat a priest could eat on Friday was nun.
Mary Ann: He didn't mean any harm, Skipper.
Skipper: Neither did the iceberg that sunk the Titanic.
General: You'd better bring a coat Mr. Richardson, there's a little Jap in the air.
Dr. Morrison: He means nip.
Doctor Watson: Where and at what time does the train leave for Baskerville?
Dr. Mortimer: Tomorrow, 12 o'clock, Victoria.
Doctor Watson: Oh no, you can call me John.
Archie Macaw, Record Producer: Well, one day this rather odd chap hopped into the office. He'd been to see virtually everyone in the business and been shown the door. He asked to see MY door, but I wouldn't show it to him. Instead, he showed me the photographs and tapes of the Rutles. They were pretty rough, but they had something.
Narrator: What was it?
Archie Macaw, Record Producer: I think it was the trousers.
Cholla: You Philo Beddoe?
Philo Beddoe: Do I know you?
Cholla: You're gonna.
Grandmaster Pai Cheng-Cheh: What a bitch. I hope she drops dead.
Kenneth W. Dantley, Jr.: 'Scuse me, uh, seventeen miles an hour?
Tico: Fifteen.
Kenneth W. Dantley, Jr.: On the in'erstate. What are ya doin', lookin' for a contact lens?
Tico: You patties crack me up. Still doin' your speed number, huh?
Kenneth W. Dantley, Jr.: Well what are you into, miles per gallon?
Tico: Class...we're into class.
Sidney Cochran: One day when you're an antique I shall vote for you. I promise.
Jasper Blubber: And what is the charge, may I ask?
Lieutenant DiMaggio: The murder of Floyd Merkle and five unimportant people.
Emile Prevert: Why me? You could have Tom, Dick or Harry.
Emmannuelle Prevert: I don't want Tom or Harry.
Jake - voice: My name is Zunar J 5 Slash 9 Doric 4 7.
Frank: Uh, Z-Zunar.
Jake - voice: ...Let's just stick with 'Jake', okay?
Maggie McKeown: That guard is still out there.
Paul Grogan: Fine, I need you to distract him.
Maggie McKeown: What for?
Paul Grogan: So I can get away.
Maggie McKeown: So you can get away? What about me?
Paul Grogan: Well suit yourself. Just come onto him, tell him what an admirer you are of Army or something like that.
Maggie McKeown: What if he's gay?
Paul Grogan: Then I'll go and distract him.
Simone Legree: But I saw your funeral on TV.
Clouseau: Yes, even the Poop was there, you know?