Gru's Mom: Shortly after you and your brother were born, your father and I divorced, and we each took one son. Obviously, I got second pick.
Abraham Lincoln: Fourscore and...[looks at his pocket watch]...seven minutes ago... We, your forefathers, were brought forth upon a most excellent adventure conceived by our new friends, Bill...and Ted. These two great gentlemen are dedicated to a proposition which was true in my time, just as it's true today. Be excellent to each other. And... Party on, dudes!
Molly Weasley: Not my daughter, you bitch!
Butch: Man, I got vision and the rest of the world wears bifocals.
Puss in Boots: Fear me, if you dare!
Second brother: And Saint Attila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying, 'O Lord, bless this thy hand grenade that with it thou mayest blow thine enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy.' And the Lord did grin, and the people did feast upon the lambs and sloths and carp and anchovies and orangutans and breakfast cereals and fruit bats and large chu...
Maynard: Skip a bit, Brother.
Second brother: And the Lord spake, saying, 'First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then, shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shalt be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, nor either count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it.'
Maynard: Amen.
Knights: Amen.
King Arthur: Right! One... Two... Five!
Sir Galahad: Three, sir!
King Arthur: Three!
Natalie Certain: Storm's chances of winning are 95.2%.
Hospitaler: I put no stock in religion. By the word "religion" I have seen the lunacy of fanatics of every denomination be called the 'Will of God.' Holiness is in right action, and courage on behalf of those who cannot defend themselves, and goodness. What God desires is here [points to head], and here [points to heart], and by what you decide to do every day, you will be a good man. Or not.
Christopher McCandless: Rather than love, than money, than faith, than fame, than fairness... Give me truth.
Kar: So, I figured it out, why hot dogs come in packages of ten and hot dog buns come in packages of eight. See, the thing is, life doesn't always work out according to plan so be happy with what you've got, because you can always get a hot dog.
Captain Ron: Hey! Uh, leg feels a lot better now, boss. I always been a fast healer, you know. 'Course I believe in Jesus, so that helps.
Toll Road: They say you killed more people than the plague. Why were you in prison?
Doc: Tax evasion.
James Bond: Martini.
Bar Tender: Shaken or stired?
James Bond: Does it look like I give a damn?
Maggie McGlone: If my muscles hurt, it just means I've used them. If it hurts to walk up the stairs, it's just cause I've done it a hundred times to lay down next to a man who loved me. My face may have wrinkles, but I have laid under hundreds of skies on sunny days. I look like this, well, because I drank and I smoked and I lived and I loved and I screwed my way through a pretty damn good life. Getting old isn't bad. It's earned.
Coyle: Hey, Baxley! If your mom's vagina were a video game, it'd be rated E for everyone.
Ben Gates: Before the Civil War, the states were all separate. People used to say "the United States are..." It wasn't until the war ended that people started saying "the United States is..." Under Lincoln, we became one nation.
Harvey Russell: Like my grandpappy always said: us assholes gotta stick together. (00:50:25)
Gru: Do you speak Spanish?
Miss Hattie: Do I look like someone who speaks Spanish?
Gru: It's just that your face is so... Como es burro.
Miss Hattie: Oh! Why, thank you!
[Alan is explaining to Sarah why Van Pelt is chasing him.]
Sarah: Well, have you ever thought about sitting down and talking about your differences?
Alan: What are you, crazy? The man has a gun.
Sarah: Don't ever call me crazy, Alan. Ever. Because everyone in this town has been calling me crazy ever since I told the cops you were sucked into a board game.